pauraque_bk (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pauraque_bk) wrote2008-02-03 04:41 pm
pauraque_bk) wrote2008-02-03 04:41 pm
Entry tags:
he was behind the couch the whole time!
My phone ringing on the morning of my day off:
Boss: I'm trying to do the t-shirt inventory and I can't find it it isn't on the clipboard or in the folder where did you put it
me: wut
Boss: Oh here it is never mind it was just a bad dream go back to sleep
me: k zzzzz
I suppose it's possible this didn't really happen.
Other highlights of the day: Locking myself out of my house and having to force the window open.
So I don't know exactly how this came up, but I was talking to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
_hannelore and had occasion to say that I wasn't happy, and was never happy. And that being able to laugh and enjoy certain things did not mean I wasn't also very depressed... And I was so surprised at how upset she was by this! It didn't upset me; being unhappy seems so natural.
Then later I thought, why doesn't it upset me? Shouldn't I try to do something about it? I have the ability to effect change in my life, that's been proven. Why can't I make myself better instead of just different (or worse)?
I'm afraid though. I'm afraid people like me because of the things I don't like about myself, and not in spite of them. I'm afraid of making people uncomfortable and alienated with the kind of change I want to see in myself.
I was talking to the leader of my guild, and basically telling him I was worried I was behaving disruptively, and that I wanted him to be honest with me if I was. I said, usually I know when I've crossed a line with someone, and I'm embarrassed by it later, but if I don't seem to know a line was crossed, then tell me.
What?! If I KNOW I'm crossing lines already, why am I not stopping myself? If I already know how hateful I can be, and how miserable it is making me, why not just end it?
Because it's hard, and I'm afraid...
Boss: I'm trying to do the t-shirt inventory and I can't find it it isn't on the clipboard or in the folder where did you put it
me: wut
Boss: Oh here it is never mind it was just a bad dream go back to sleep
me: k zzzzz
I suppose it's possible this didn't really happen.
Other highlights of the day: Locking myself out of my house and having to force the window open.
So I don't know exactly how this came up, but I was talking to
_hannelore and had occasion to say that I wasn't happy, and was never happy. And that being able to laugh and enjoy certain things did not mean I wasn't also very depressed... And I was so surprised at how upset she was by this! It didn't upset me; being unhappy seems so natural.Then later I thought, why doesn't it upset me? Shouldn't I try to do something about it? I have the ability to effect change in my life, that's been proven. Why can't I make myself better instead of just different (or worse)?
I'm afraid though. I'm afraid people like me because of the things I don't like about myself, and not in spite of them. I'm afraid of making people uncomfortable and alienated with the kind of change I want to see in myself.
I was talking to the leader of my guild, and basically telling him I was worried I was behaving disruptively, and that I wanted him to be honest with me if I was. I said, usually I know when I've crossed a line with someone, and I'm embarrassed by it later, but if I don't seem to know a line was crossed, then tell me.
What?! If I KNOW I'm crossing lines already, why am I not stopping myself? If I already know how hateful I can be, and how miserable it is making me, why not just end it?
Because it's hard, and I'm afraid...
no subject
no subject
I tend to be silly/noobish a lot because I figure that's the only reason people like me and if I stopped being silly, they wouldn't. But then when I'm seriously not in the mood and they keep picking/taunting, it feels hurtful and not fun at all... and they probably don't even know the difference! Quandaryness.