he was behind the couch the whole time!

[pauraque_bk]

My phone ringing on the morning of my day off:

Boss: I'm trying to do the t-shirt inventory and I can't find it it isn't on the clipboard or in the folder where did you put it

me: wut

Boss: Oh here it is never mind it was just a bad dream go back to sleep

me: k zzzzz

I suppose it's possible this didn't really happen.

Other highlights of the day: Locking myself out of my house and having to force the window open.

So I don't know exactly how this came up, but I was talking to _hannelore and had occasion to say that I wasn't happy, and was never happy. And that being able to laugh and enjoy certain things did not mean I wasn't also very depressed... And I was so surprised at how upset she was by this! It didn't upset me; being unhappy seems so natural.

Then later I thought, why doesn't it upset me? Shouldn't I try to do something about it? I have the ability to effect change in my life, that's been proven. Why can't I make myself better instead of just different (or worse)?

I'm afraid though. I'm afraid people like me because of the things I don't like about myself, and not in spite of them. I'm afraid of making people uncomfortable and alienated with the kind of change I want to see in myself.

I was talking to the leader of my guild, and basically telling him I was worried I was behaving disruptively, and that I wanted him to be honest with me if I was. I said, usually I know when I've crossed a line with someone, and I'm embarrassed by it later, but if I don't seem to know a line was crossed, then tell me.

What?! If I KNOW I'm crossing lines already, why am I not stopping myself? If I already know how hateful I can be, and how miserable it is making me, why not just end it?

Because it's hard, and I'm afraid...

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

bizarre order of events: I go off WoW, I do the trash and recycling, I realize that all I did was whine to you about my tale of woe, I text you, then I refresh LJ and read this. I think I did something out of order.

It is hard. Change is scary. But I think if you let the "what if people like me as I am" block you, the easier it is to not do what you feel you need to do. I wish it was a less frightening endeavor, I do. But I do have faith in your abilities.

[pauraque]

It really doesn't make any sense because if people really admire my flaws, that is an issue with them and not me. As it is, I'm probably just imagining that they do.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

Right. It's another excuse to hinder change, i.e. imagining that they do.

I tend to be silly/noobish a lot because I figure that's the only reason people like me and if I stopped being silly, they wouldn't. But then when I'm seriously not in the mood and they keep picking/taunting, it feels hurtful and not fun at all... and they probably don't even know the difference! Quandaryness.

[idlerat.livejournal.com]

It's soooo haaard. Poor dude. *pats* But yes, you do have to work toward change if you aren't happy, and no, you can't live according to what you think other people want you to be.

But ... you can't do it by force of well. And like you say, you've made changes before, and you're pretty damn original. I have Faith.

& thanks for the Rat-year's card! V cute. I will try to pry it away from Bow for my Collection.