25 first lines
Aug. 31st, 2008 11:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pauraque_bkThere is a meme that asks you to post and analyze the first lines of the last 25 fics you wrote. 25! That seems like a lot. I was never a very prolific writer so this should take me back quite far into my fanfic career. And it should distract me from feeling unwell.
First lines are important. In fandom they probably have much less bearing on whether people read a fic than in general writing, since I imagine readership is mostly determined by pairings and warning labels. But really amateurish first lines probably still put people off who clicked because they were hoping for some good Percy/Ron spanking fic or something.
1. The package arrives at lunch. (Girl)
Pretty good? Simple, piques curiosity? Maybe.
2. Harry scoops the water sprite up gently, the surface tension tickling his skin as he dips his hand into the scummy water of the overgrown pond. (Patience)
Like some others, I seem to open ficlets with long, complicated sentences. This was probably too much and could have been split into two.
3. 'Avast!' called reincarnated!Draco heartily. 'Secure the rigging! Hard a-starboard!' (The One Where They're All Reincarnated As Space Pirates)
To me, this was very funny. I don't think anyone thought this crackficlet was as funny as I did.
4. Dean laboured over his canvas and his anatomy books, studiously duplicating the ratios of human limbs, placements of muscles and tendons. (Art)
Another ficlet. But this one is okay.
5. Years spent half-smothered in childish hands and stuffy coat pockets, squeezed and stroked and held up to huge, curious faces. (Feast & Famine)
This one too.
6. It was an accident, really. (The Upward Spiral)
I actually like this because it's a concise expression of Peter's typical pretension of innocence. In this particular case it describes something that was indeed an accident, knocking something over. Or then is it really random clumsiness, or subconscious self-sabotage to give the impression of being a fuckup, to provide an infinitely extendable excuse for anything he does.
7. When Ron first stamps upstairs, face hot and Hermione's screeches still ringing in his ears, he feels like he might have to hit something, maybe the wall. (Fairy Lights)
There's really nothing good about this sentence. The word choices are like... eecchhh. stamp? screech? It's hard to imagine what I was thinking. The purpose of this was to set up that he's mad due to an argument in canon (I cannot actually remember it now) and that Harry calms him down in the fic. I needed to either pay more attention to setting this up in a readable way, or give up on that whole framework.
8. The river of students flows around Cedric as he walks through the corridor, like they're characters in a dream, not even aware of his presence as they brush easily against him. (The little death)
Oh this is terrible. I distinctly remember hating this opening and being unable to make it cool and meaningful like the image in my head. River of students WHAT. That's awful. I think the deadline came and I was too sick of looking at the fic to fix it. Which is really too bad because I worked very hard on it and I think there were good things in it, but it probably lost some readers with the clunky opening.
9. That evening at dinner, Sirius still isn't back. (The Set)
Okay. Does the job, piques interest I guess. Where did he go, why isn't he back, whose POV are we in that is so concerned about it? Opening lines 101 really.
10. 'I've just been in Divination, sir,' Tom says, sliding his hand into Dumbledore's cool, dry one. 'Shall I read your palm?' (Split)
Wha... why didn't I just say "sliding his hand into Dumbledore's". The description could have been moved later so it wasn't gunking up this otherwise good opening. The fact that I didn't name a beta suggests that I didn't use one. I should have.
11. When Lupin answers the door, he invites Harry in with a smile that doesn't seem to reach his eyes. (For gods to menace fools)
I don't know if I realized it at the time, but this is actually very good because it encapsulates the entire fic in one sentence. Lupin does seemingly invite Harry in -- into his humanity/privacy/sexuality -- yet also pushes him away.
12. As James finishes drying his hair and wraps the towel around his waist, he hears the front door fall shut, and Sirius's voice echoing through the house:
'Hullo, Mrs Potter!' (Moving Pictures)
This isn't very interesting, it sets the time period but doesn't accomplish a lot else. Then again it is a sequel, so probably a lot of people read it regardless because they read the first one.
13. That change in the air as Remus gets up onto the train -- just as it ever was. (Sweet and Twenty)
This ficlet was actually good but the first line just makes me think of Talking Heads.
14. Harry waits in the motel room for hours, the rain patter-tapping insistently on the metal roof. (Whet)
I know what I meant but I didn't describe it too good. Rain on a metal roof doesn't patter or tap, and impaling both words on a hyphen and shoehorning them into this sentence doesn't make them any more accurate. I remember writing this and listening to "Not About Love" by Fiona Apple, which ironically has an excellent first line ("the early cars / already are / drawing deep breaths past my door").
15. James comes back upstairs barefoot, the ice cubes snapping in his glass of orange squash. (Heat Wave)
This required asking on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
hp_britglish about things you drink in England when it's hot. I'm not actually sure what orange squash is anymore, if I ever was. Otherwise this is fair. You get that it's a hot day.
16. When Lupin looks up from his book again, Snape is still there. (Ridicule)
Passable. The ficlet is about Snape's ghost relentlessly pursuing Lupin, so I guess it's another first line that sums up the story.
17. 'What shall I say?' Lucius drawls, and slouches lazily in the great chair in the empty council-room. (Guiltier Than Him They Try)
Ahahaha Lucius. I actually love how I indulged the languid/decadent junk in this Lucius/Draco fic, it totally makes me laff. Since it was for a Shakespeare challenge I let myself get away with it.
18. I come to him in his little cell beneath the staircase. (Below Stairs)
Anyone would know that "he" is Harry, and if they read the warnings they would guess the narrator is Voldemort. I suppose the only interesting thing is the curiously sympathetic acknowledgement of Harry's imprisonment. Though probably sarcastically considering the tone of the rest of the fic. Boy I wish this fic had been better, there was a clever idea at the core of it (being obsessed with deathless youth of course Voldemort would be a pedophile), but maybe more "clever" than actually good or capable of supporting a story. But that has nothing to do with the opening line, moving on...
19. Harry pounded down the street, his lungs burning, legs aching. (Where your mother's blood dwells)
I remember when I wrote this that I thought it was the closest I had come to emulating JKR's style, which to me means that it is kind of blunt and facile. There's nothing stylistically surprising or interesting here, it's the most obvious way of expressing the concept at hand.
20. Peter's icy fingers hurt as he clasps his hands around the mug of hot cocoa, but he holds them there, wanting them to thaw. (To The Letter)
This is not very intriguing but it is a sequel to an excellent![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
atdelphi fic, so I was probably banking on the viewers from the previous time slot.
21. George's boots crunch through fresh snow as he trudges across the courtyard, hands in his pockets and blood-red scarf pulled up close about his face. (In Twain)
Pretty but I wouldn't call it interesting. Then again the rest of the ficlet wasn't that interesting either.
22. The faint clang of the primary-school bell drifts up from the village as they come down the stone steps to the grounds, through the river of laughing second-years returning flush-cheeked from Care of Magical Creatures. (Pale Fever)
WHAT! Not only did I use this horrible river metaphor twice, they were both in first lines?! How did anybody take me seriously in fandom. :|
23. James strips off his Quidditch robes, bright red with dark wet streaks. (Trio)
I like this. I just like the image. The fic had problems, the first line was probably the high point.
24. The hard rubber curve of Draco's heel dug into the small of Vincent's back as he rutted against Gregory's thick strong thighs and fat arse -- the slick tight heat grasping and releasing as he pumped his cock in and out, sweat and lube and grape juice. (Empire)
I don't think I meant they were using grape juice for lube. I wrote the ficlet very quickly without editing myself, which is why it has way too many words in every sentence. My leet writing strategy is to throw every word at every description and see what sticks, which is how things like this happen.
25. Peter sits on a low stool, rubbing his hands together between his knees, watching and waiting. (Due To Illness)
I'm not sure what a low stool is. Like a short stool. Actually if it was short it wouldn't really be conducive to him sitting in the position described, at least as I pictured it. Not thought out well, rather like the rest of this fic I think.
Well that was cleansing. Hopefully dismay at my old writing means I've improved.
First lines are important. In fandom they probably have much less bearing on whether people read a fic than in general writing, since I imagine readership is mostly determined by pairings and warning labels. But really amateurish first lines probably still put people off who clicked because they were hoping for some good Percy/Ron spanking fic or something.
1. The package arrives at lunch. (Girl)
Pretty good? Simple, piques curiosity? Maybe.
2. Harry scoops the water sprite up gently, the surface tension tickling his skin as he dips his hand into the scummy water of the overgrown pond. (Patience)
Like some others, I seem to open ficlets with long, complicated sentences. This was probably too much and could have been split into two.
3. 'Avast!' called reincarnated!Draco heartily. 'Secure the rigging! Hard a-starboard!' (The One Where They're All Reincarnated As Space Pirates)
To me, this was very funny. I don't think anyone thought this crackficlet was as funny as I did.
4. Dean laboured over his canvas and his anatomy books, studiously duplicating the ratios of human limbs, placements of muscles and tendons. (Art)
Another ficlet. But this one is okay.
5. Years spent half-smothered in childish hands and stuffy coat pockets, squeezed and stroked and held up to huge, curious faces. (Feast & Famine)
This one too.
6. It was an accident, really. (The Upward Spiral)
I actually like this because it's a concise expression of Peter's typical pretension of innocence. In this particular case it describes something that was indeed an accident, knocking something over. Or then is it really random clumsiness, or subconscious self-sabotage to give the impression of being a fuckup, to provide an infinitely extendable excuse for anything he does.
7. When Ron first stamps upstairs, face hot and Hermione's screeches still ringing in his ears, he feels like he might have to hit something, maybe the wall. (Fairy Lights)
There's really nothing good about this sentence. The word choices are like... eecchhh. stamp? screech? It's hard to imagine what I was thinking. The purpose of this was to set up that he's mad due to an argument in canon (I cannot actually remember it now) and that Harry calms him down in the fic. I needed to either pay more attention to setting this up in a readable way, or give up on that whole framework.
8. The river of students flows around Cedric as he walks through the corridor, like they're characters in a dream, not even aware of his presence as they brush easily against him. (The little death)
Oh this is terrible. I distinctly remember hating this opening and being unable to make it cool and meaningful like the image in my head. River of students WHAT. That's awful. I think the deadline came and I was too sick of looking at the fic to fix it. Which is really too bad because I worked very hard on it and I think there were good things in it, but it probably lost some readers with the clunky opening.
9. That evening at dinner, Sirius still isn't back. (The Set)
Okay. Does the job, piques interest I guess. Where did he go, why isn't he back, whose POV are we in that is so concerned about it? Opening lines 101 really.
10. 'I've just been in Divination, sir,' Tom says, sliding his hand into Dumbledore's cool, dry one. 'Shall I read your palm?' (Split)
Wha... why didn't I just say "sliding his hand into Dumbledore's". The description could have been moved later so it wasn't gunking up this otherwise good opening. The fact that I didn't name a beta suggests that I didn't use one. I should have.
11. When Lupin answers the door, he invites Harry in with a smile that doesn't seem to reach his eyes. (For gods to menace fools)
I don't know if I realized it at the time, but this is actually very good because it encapsulates the entire fic in one sentence. Lupin does seemingly invite Harry in -- into his humanity/privacy/sexuality -- yet also pushes him away.
12. As James finishes drying his hair and wraps the towel around his waist, he hears the front door fall shut, and Sirius's voice echoing through the house:
'Hullo, Mrs Potter!' (Moving Pictures)
This isn't very interesting, it sets the time period but doesn't accomplish a lot else. Then again it is a sequel, so probably a lot of people read it regardless because they read the first one.
13. That change in the air as Remus gets up onto the train -- just as it ever was. (Sweet and Twenty)
This ficlet was actually good but the first line just makes me think of Talking Heads.
14. Harry waits in the motel room for hours, the rain patter-tapping insistently on the metal roof. (Whet)
I know what I meant but I didn't describe it too good. Rain on a metal roof doesn't patter or tap, and impaling both words on a hyphen and shoehorning them into this sentence doesn't make them any more accurate. I remember writing this and listening to "Not About Love" by Fiona Apple, which ironically has an excellent first line ("the early cars / already are / drawing deep breaths past my door").
15. James comes back upstairs barefoot, the ice cubes snapping in his glass of orange squash. (Heat Wave)
This required asking on
hp_britglish about things you drink in England when it's hot. I'm not actually sure what orange squash is anymore, if I ever was. Otherwise this is fair. You get that it's a hot day.16. When Lupin looks up from his book again, Snape is still there. (Ridicule)
Passable. The ficlet is about Snape's ghost relentlessly pursuing Lupin, so I guess it's another first line that sums up the story.
17. 'What shall I say?' Lucius drawls, and slouches lazily in the great chair in the empty council-room. (Guiltier Than Him They Try)
Ahahaha Lucius. I actually love how I indulged the languid/decadent junk in this Lucius/Draco fic, it totally makes me laff. Since it was for a Shakespeare challenge I let myself get away with it.
18. I come to him in his little cell beneath the staircase. (Below Stairs)
Anyone would know that "he" is Harry, and if they read the warnings they would guess the narrator is Voldemort. I suppose the only interesting thing is the curiously sympathetic acknowledgement of Harry's imprisonment. Though probably sarcastically considering the tone of the rest of the fic. Boy I wish this fic had been better, there was a clever idea at the core of it (being obsessed with deathless youth of course Voldemort would be a pedophile), but maybe more "clever" than actually good or capable of supporting a story. But that has nothing to do with the opening line, moving on...
19. Harry pounded down the street, his lungs burning, legs aching. (Where your mother's blood dwells)
I remember when I wrote this that I thought it was the closest I had come to emulating JKR's style, which to me means that it is kind of blunt and facile. There's nothing stylistically surprising or interesting here, it's the most obvious way of expressing the concept at hand.
20. Peter's icy fingers hurt as he clasps his hands around the mug of hot cocoa, but he holds them there, wanting them to thaw. (To The Letter)
This is not very intriguing but it is a sequel to an excellent
atdelphi fic, so I was probably banking on the viewers from the previous time slot.21. George's boots crunch through fresh snow as he trudges across the courtyard, hands in his pockets and blood-red scarf pulled up close about his face. (In Twain)
Pretty but I wouldn't call it interesting. Then again the rest of the ficlet wasn't that interesting either.
22. The faint clang of the primary-school bell drifts up from the village as they come down the stone steps to the grounds, through the river of laughing second-years returning flush-cheeked from Care of Magical Creatures. (Pale Fever)
WHAT! Not only did I use this horrible river metaphor twice, they were both in first lines?! How did anybody take me seriously in fandom. :|
23. James strips off his Quidditch robes, bright red with dark wet streaks. (Trio)
I like this. I just like the image. The fic had problems, the first line was probably the high point.
24. The hard rubber curve of Draco's heel dug into the small of Vincent's back as he rutted against Gregory's thick strong thighs and fat arse -- the slick tight heat grasping and releasing as he pumped his cock in and out, sweat and lube and grape juice. (Empire)
I don't think I meant they were using grape juice for lube. I wrote the ficlet very quickly without editing myself, which is why it has way too many words in every sentence. My leet writing strategy is to throw every word at every description and see what sticks, which is how things like this happen.
25. Peter sits on a low stool, rubbing his hands together between his knees, watching and waiting. (Due To Illness)
I'm not sure what a low stool is. Like a short stool. Actually if it was short it wouldn't really be conducive to him sitting in the position described, at least as I pictured it. Not thought out well, rather like the rest of this fic I think.
Well that was cleansing. Hopefully dismay at my old writing means I've improved.
