The dread balloon.

[pauraque_bk]

Late in the summer of 1996, the Second War had reached a stalemate. Albus Dumbledore, in an uncharacteristically diplomatic move, proposed a summit where peace talks could begin. He invited Lord Voldemort, naturally, who agreed to attend, provided he could bring along his trusty henchpeople Peter Pettigrew and Bellatrix Lestrange.

Minister Cornelius Fudge also agreed to participate, bringing along his right-hand woman Dolores Umbridge, and his loyal assistant Percy Weasley.

Given that Muggles were at the crux of the conflict, Dumbledore thought they should have a voice in the peace process as well. So, with a flick of his wand, he summoned one of the Muggliest Muggles ever known: Vernon Dursley. Mr Dursley was terribly surprised to be honoured with this invitation, but at length he was subdued.

'How remarkable,' said Dumbledore. 'It seems that some of the most powerfully disliked people in our world are here. I must say, I do feel the odd man out!' He chuckled merrily. There was an uncomfortable silence. 'Well, now that we are here,' Dumbledore went on, 'may I propose a hot-air balloon ride so that we may converse in a more relaxed atmosphere? No wands, of course.'

The others were a bit reluctant at first, but not wanting to derail the peace process before it had begun, they agreed.

But almost as soon as they had embarked, something dreadful happened. A sudden storm blew the balloon off-course, far out over the sea. And even worse, they appeared to be losing altitude. At this rate, they would never make it back to land before they plunged into the icy water. They quickly threw their picnic lunch overboard, but it did no good -- they would have to drop more weight.

'Dear me, this is a most difficult state of affairs,' said Dumbledore, gazing around at his unlikely companions, who were beginning to look very nervous indeed.

[Poll #393371]

The fandom balloon poll idea comes from slowfox. chresimos helped with this one. ^_^

[EDIT: This round is closed. Proceed to round II!]

Comments

[thecoldacre.livejournal.com]

I think Voldie and Umbridge should both go over the side. Two birds; one stone.

[noria.livejournal.com]

I think it will be Dumbledore. Not that he should but he'll be the one to sacrifice himself voluntarily.

Though maybe Voldemort would be a choice, too, since he might have prepared himself even more this time to become immortal, so a jump out of the baloon wouldn't harm him this much.

Peter Pettigrew might be too cowardly. But maybe Voldemort would push him out of the baloon.

Bellatrix would be a relieve when she was gone since she is too mad to be able to live in a normal world and it would be a blessing even for herself to leave this world.

Cornelius Fudge might be a coward, too.

Dolores Umbridge might be devoted enough to sacrifice herself for Fugde, but I doubt that.

Percy might be able and willing to sacrifice himself but when he hasn't made peace yet with his family he might hesitate in doing the final step.

And Vernon Dursley? Here we have another coward and maybe his argument would be that the wizards brought all the trouble up and it isn't his turn to solve this by jumping out of the baloon.

Tricky question, very tricky indeed.

[leni-jess.livejournal.com]

I said Vernon - he's heaviest. They can work up. Dolores next. Percy and Peter may be that last out of the basket, on that rationale, but I'm sure those remaining will fix that little problem of priorities. Ho ho. What will the wizarding world do without them - settle into somnolence? No! Lucius Malfoy isn't there! Oh no! here comes the next Minister of Magic, dah-dah.

[dancing-moon.livejournal.com]

Vernon seconded, weight and unpleasantness? Get rid of him!

[leni-jess.livejournal.com]

Nothing was said about its being a voluntary sacrifice, eh. When push comes to shove the smartest people will shove first.

[gmth.livejournal.com]

Thirded. He's the least interesting of the characters on board, and the other two books can go on just wonderfully without him.

[serriadh.livejournal.com]

Bellatrix Lestrange shoots a glance at Voldemort, both simultaneously produce their backup wands, and force Dumbledore over the edge. Quite apart from anything else, all-velvet robes are very very heavy.

Dursley will be kept for amusement purposes before being discarded, similarly Umbridge and Fudge.

~*~

Come on - do you really think Bella and Voldy are going to get rid of their wands with Dumbledore around!?

[woolf.livejournal.com]

Fudge is definitely a coward, but I think her could be convinced to take the plunge. Because this is a peace conference, and he's acting for the sakes of the entire populace--wizarding and Muggle. He'd be a hero!

Yeah, ok, he probably wouldn't fall for it, but I'd still like to see him go over.

[slinkhard.livejournal.com]

Dumbledore's one of the most disliked characters? For real? Heh, I thought it was just me.

And where's Lucius and/or Draco? Do people not hate them anymore? *is clearly out of touch*

And Percy haters? Woe!

I'm actually quite fond of all the listed folk, except Dumbledore and ole Voldie. As Dumbledore is more dangerous, I selected him.

[atalantapendrag.livejournal.com]

I'm big with the Dumbledore-hate, myself.

*gives Percy a protective hug*

[pauraque]

I was trying to go by the prevailing sentiments in fandom, but of course that changes depending on where you go. A lot of people are certainly very down on Dumbledore, and I usually find that few are willing to defend him.

I don't know anyone in fandom who hates Lucius, though I'm sure such folks exist -- in any case, he has a strong contingent of active fans.

It's true that Draco is hated by some, but he also has a vast fan following to counterbalance it.

I hesitated with Percy, because I do know a lot of people who like him, but he's still a niche interest, and I also hear a lot of negative talk about him.

I tried not to take my personal likes and dislikes into account. Obviously, I'm fond of some of the characters I've listed. ;)

[slinkhard.livejournal.com]

It's hard to tell with the fandom, because it's so huge - I'm fairly certain the majority of it is pro-Gryffindor, anti-anyone-who-may-have-given-Harry-a-cross-look-once.
This is especially interesting with Dumbledore and his flucutating popularity - it appears, if I could just generalize for a moment, that the rise of dislike towards him is connected to his behaviour towards Harry specifically.
I don't want to oversimplify things, but there is this kind of idea that a character who hurts one of the Trio, especially our lead, is disliked for that rather than their personality or behaviour towards others.
I mean, Umbridge is probably one of the least popular characters ever, and I'm sure there are lots of reasons for people to hate her, but it appears that for all the 'She was fascistic' and 'She was narrow-minded', it's the 'She hurt Harry and his hand and took away his Quidditch!11 My poor woobiekins!' that people resent.
Likewise, people who claim to loathe Vernon for his bigotry or Percy for his arrogance don't seem to consistently loathe these traits (there doesn't seem to be a character in the books that hasn't demonstrated one or other of these traits, sometimes both!) but that they dislike the characters said people do like.
Similiarly, Dumbledore has done many morally dubious things, but no-one seemed personally offended by any of them until he started ignoring Harry (which, not to be cruel, is hardly the worst or even most important thing he's ever done.)
But yeah, any comments on fandom popularity ("there's too much/not enough Gryffindor/Slytherin bashing", "there's too many Pansy/Filch/Stan Shunpike fans") make me laugh, because no matter how many fans love Draco or Lucius or even Snape, they're still mathematically in the minority, as is anyone who reads with the slightest alternative or radical interpretation. *coughs at peter fans* ;)

[idlerat.livejournal.com]

I hate Lucius. He doesn't irritate me the way some of these characters do, but he's vile. I find the canon Malfoys boring and hollow as well as evil and disgusting. But reading a lot of fic can make them seem a lot more interesting. To say nothing of some very attractive film casting. :)

[zadcat.livejournal.com]

Anyone else find it interesting that so many more people would pitch Umbridge than the dread Dark Lord himself?

I think it's that JKR powered the portrait of Umbridge with some serious personal hatred. I haven't been able to reread Order of the Phoenix because I find Umbridge so, so distasteful to contemplate. Someone in the fandom said it was a caricature of Margaret Thatcher, which may be partly true, but I'm willing to bet that she's also got some hated schoolteacher in her somewhere.

JKR got pretty personal over Rita Skeeter too (she seems like a dig at all the journalists who've picked over JKR's private life), but Umbridge takes the cake.

[ani-bester.livejournal.com]

Well the umbridge hate is personal for me. Voldemort is the kind of evil that, usually, people eventually come together to defeat.

Umbridge is the kind of evil that cuts my fathers salary and says he's a failure of a teacher if he can't get the kids re-taking algebra I for the fourth time to pass. And who then tells the school that a 39% pass rate is considered successful.

She's much harder to overcome and pushing people like off air balloons is like a civic duty =P

[iczer6.livejournal.com]

For me it's that you're not too likely to run into a Lord Voldemort in the Real World (tm) but the Umbridges are *everywhere*.

She reminds me of the lady who'd get all after-school activities banned because one obnoxious brat couldn't get into the club he wanted.


Icz

[evilwildlex.livejournal.com]

Umbridge reminds me of my former landlady. @_@

[dailyplanet.livejournal.com]

I'm voting strategically to protect my man Peter!!!!

[ani-bester.livejournal.com]

Ditto to that! *L* Besides, he 's the lightest. I mean my rats aren't even a whole pound =P

He's not worth throwing over!

[dailyplanet.livejournal.com]

Peter is totally useful! He's the only one in that balloon who can...

...make a plan,
and follow through!
That's what Peter Pettigrew'd do!

[pauraque]

*dies laughing*

I bet he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Peter Pettigrew'd do...

[eponis.livejournal.com]

Percy isn't the worst there, but he's the only undefended one; Voldie would take care of his own, Fudge and Umbridge would defend each other, and Dumbledore can take care of himself. Of course, if this is a more abstract question of the one I'd most like to die, then I'd have to go with Peter (about as evil as Bella and Voldie, but harder to kill ordinarily) . . .

[neotoma.livejournal.com]

The others would so gang up on Dumbledore and toss him overboard. Then they'd fall to bickering and backstabbing.

Peter Pettigrew would be the only one found alive a week later.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Is this a "who the reader hates most" question? Or a "which of us will lose the fight among us and get thrown off" question?

[pauraque]

You may vote based on whatever criteria you like -- who you'd like to see die, who you think would sacrifice himself, who you think the others would sacrifice, who's the most dangerous in ordinary life... It's whatever you want it to be.

[jheaton.livejournal.com]

Why not just make Peter assume his animagus form? We know he doesn't weigh more than a normal rat in that form (raising the question of what happens to all that mass when he transforms, but never mind that), so that would probably lighten the load enough to save everyone.

[noblerot.livejournal.com]

Poo! I voted Fudge, as penance for his being a dullard. Now I wish I'd opted for Dumbledore. Because really? I hate Dumbledore. So much.

While I'm here, might I say that these two lines made me pee with laughter:

Mr Dursley was terribly surprised to be honoured with this invitation, but at length he was subdued.

I must say, I do feel the odd man out!' He chuckled merrily. There was an uncomfortable silence.

[biichan.livejournal.com]

You can redo the poll. Click poll results and then click fill out poll :D

[noblerot.livejournal.com]

Done.

Comrades: Save Umbridge! Throw the twinkly ol' bastard overboard!

[pauraque]

Political campaigning among the voters is permitted. *g*

[muridae-x.livejournal.com]

You need to watch out for that though. I ran a (slightly more complicated) version of this for Voyager/Star Trek two years running, and the backstabbing and behind the scenes ballot stuffing email campaigns took on a scary scary life of their own. :-)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

I chose to pitch Fudge: he encourages Percy's distaste of his father and support of Dumbledore; encourages the rumor that Harry's wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead; encourages Umbridge's evilness with the Educational decrees; encourages Voldemort with public denial; probably would be bowling buddies with Vernon; was easily misled by Peter's so-called heroism (Orders of the Merlin, First Class, must be easy to come by. Unless you're one Severus Snape. *snickers*) and taunts Harry with insults worthy of Bellatrix Lestrange.

Or I just might be in a "leaders suck" mood.

[pauraque]

Hey, I got your fic for beta. I'll have it back to you this week. :)

[the-gentleman.livejournal.com]

I want Dumbledore to win, obviously, but I'm also big on the Vernon and Percy love. I am also a veteran of the Save Rabbit campaign. You have been warned. ;)

[pauraque]

Hee! Fairly warned. Though I have to say, I would never have voted against Eeyore...

[ladysorka]

I chose to Pitch Vernon, even though I like other characters on that list less.

But there are enough people that support Voldemorts cause on that balloon that they'd toss the muggle first. *g*

[wolfie-thu.livejournal.com]

Poor Umbridge. :(

Is it over?

[erinellii.livejournal.com]

Is it over already? After only one day? I can only view the results, not vote, so I guess it must be unless I'm doing something wrong... I'm kinda new to LJ.

Re: Is it over?

[erinellii.livejournal.com]

Okay, nevermind, after I submitted that comment I could vote. Hmm, I wonder if I couldn't before because I followed a link from someone who already had?

I voted for Umbridge, anything to keep Percy alive until he can be redeemed. And Peter Pettigrew. And Dumbledore.

But I was really missing Grawp on that balloon. I mean, come on, everybody hates Grawp, don't they?

Re: Is it over?

[pauraque]

I didn't even think of Grawp, but he is rather hated, isn't he? I suspect he would have been a major target, as well, given that quite a few people seem to be voting based on weight!

And no, it isn't over yet. I was going to start the second round about midnight my time.

Welcome to LJ, by the way. :)

[strangemuses.livejournal.com]

I voted for Vernon. He's simply so hateful that I dislike him more than I dislike Voldemort.

*saves Percy*

[usnbfs.livejournal.com]

They can't throw out Vernon, that would reflect bad upon all of them. (and it would make Petunia sad and I love Petunia)
Voldemort is the main villain. Nobody beside the hero has the right to kill him.
I would let Neville and Harry (together) get rid of Bella, but not the people present.
I have no proper reason for not voting for Peter, but I don't dislike him as much as Dolores.
Fudge would also be a good choice, willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good - that would be quite the story in the prophet.
Percy first needs to make up with his family.
Dumbledore is the initiator of the whole thing, and it doesn't seem likely to be continued without him.
Dolores is not an overly important villain (like Peter and Bella) but I don't like her, so she got my vote.

completely without objectivity

[idlerat.livejournal.com]

Damn! I missed round one? Already? Gotta be quick around here.

Squeak.

[pauraque]

I gave it 24 hours... you mean there are people who don't check LJ every day? :o

[idlerat.livejournal.com]

24? O. I check LJ all the frickin time. And yet I miss things. And I don't even have that big an flist. ::is dork::