If you don't like the rant meme, start a-scrollin'.

[pauraque_bk]

For idlerat: Sayid.

Sayid is utterly beautiful. He can get soaking wet and tackle me in the pounding surf any day of the week.

...

Wait. What were we talking about?

Oh, yes, ranting. What I want to know is, if Mr. "incest is best, put your sister to the test" Abrams will allow Shannon and Boone to get their socially unacceptable freak on, how come Sawyer and Sayid aren't having hot sweaty mansex each and every goddamn night out in that jungle of mystery? They'd better hurry up -- there's only so many eligible boys on that island, and eventually people are gonna start pairing off.


For s8219: Redemption.

Sometimes people use the word "redemption" to mean "realizing that they've been totally MEEN omg and becoming all nice and fluffy and in love with Harry". That's not redemption. That's character assassination.

And who says Snape needs redeeming, anyway? Isn't that the genius of the character -- that he's good but not nice? He already *came* back from the evil side. Now he's just a jerk.

What, you mean he's not redeemed until *Harry* likes him? Nuts to that. That just keeps him in the same emotional trap he's been in since he was 15. You're better than that, Sev! You don't need the Potter men to tell you what's what. It's your hot body, you do what you want!


For superren: Cell phones OR cookies.

One time, I was riding my bike on the bike path, and many other bikes were there too, as it was rush hour in Berkeley. Another bicyclist changed lanes and cut me off, nearly running me off the road. He was talking on a cell phone. Yes, while RIDING HIS BIKE.

While you're letting that sink in, chew on this: Another time, my Evil Boss was visiting Costco, as he is wont to do (beats working). It was nearing Christmastime, and there was a giant palette of tins of Christmas cookies. This was a HUGE amount of cookies, people. Probably 300 tins.

So he bought this entire palette of cookies and had it delivered to the store. At the next meeting, he announced that he had done this, and explained that he was going to give cookies to employees as Christmas bonuses. Not in addition -- AS Christmas bonuses. You can imagine how thrilled we were.

But it gets better. After pondering his decision for a few days, Evil Boss decided that he would *not* be giving the cookies to the employees after all. Instead, he would sell them to our customers at an unbelievable markup, securing a tidy profit for himself. For those of you just joining us, we sell art supplies. Cookies, last time I checked... not an art supply.

So, for several months, we had this GIANT PYRAMID OF COOKIE TINS at the front of the store, standing as a shiny monument to the fact that we had not received Christmas bonuses.

The cashiers ended up eating most of the cookies.


For dancing_moon: Rats.

Rats are great. People who don't like rats are lame. I used to work for a pet store, and on the occasions when I dealt with customers, I very often told them they should get their kids pet rats. Dude: Mice stink, hamsters bite, guinea pigs are stupid, gerbils are illegal in this state, and none of those little bastards are gonna learn tricks and come when they're called. RATS are the small pet of choice for the discerning parent!


For _hannelore: More memes than fic.

It's easier to copy a meme than to write an awesome fic, to be sure. People who post memes are lazy. Lazy whores, I say!

Wait, was asking for this just your sly little way of poking me to work on my damn Peter/Otto fic instead of posting stupid memes? (It's up to 2500 words, you know! But memes are so much eaaaaaasier.)


For lycoris: Sirius/Remus.

I'm afraid scarah2 already covered this one far better than I ever could. Remus/Brad OTP!

The other thing that bugs me is when Remus cries. Remus should never cry. He keeps it all inside, that's his *thing*. The man's a freaking Vulcan. If you want to write a character weeping hysterically at the drop of a hat, how about Peter? He cries all the damn time. He and Cho should get together. She'd be all, "You killed my totally hot boyfriend!" and she'd start crying, and he'd be all, "It wasn't my fault, please don't hurt me!" and he'd start crying, and then they'd simultaneously realize that they're both ridiculously in love with Harry (but it's really a substitute for the dead guys they're repsectively obsessed with), and they'd get married and have lots of babies.

Mpreg babies. Just 'cause.


For duckpuppy: The X-Files' worst season.

Well, I'm going to have to go with lucky number 9. XF had low moments in other seasons, but it wasn't until the last season that rock-bottom Bad was truly attained. Sometimes people in other fandoms don't understand just how godawful this show actually got. "Ah, yes, canon going downhill, I feel your pain", they will say, nodding their heads knowingly, but THEY DON'T.

In episode 9x08, a lovelorn and abandoned Scully receives an email from her true wuv, Mulder. I must impress upon you that this is actually real, and yes they were serious.

E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 07 Jan 2002
Subject: Dearest Dana

I've resisted contacting you for reasons I know you continue to appreciate. But, to be honest, some unexpected dimensions of my new life are eating away at any resolve I have left. I'm lonely, Dana, uncertain of my ability to live like this. I want to come home. To you, and to William.

Okay, deep breaths now. Scully emails in reply:

I am physically shaking right now seeing your words. Wishing it were you speaking them to me. I want so badly to see you too, but you are still not safe here.

This is totally real. Yes, these are meant to be professional adults and not TWELVE-YEAR-OLD FANFIC WRITERS.

This episode is not bad in any way previously known in the series. It is bad in a way that is utterly unique. It's almost better to think (as some do) that the writers were consciously mocking fandom, because it's hard to believe that grown people who made a living writing for this show could come up with this level of complete character-assassinating crap and write it down on a piece of paper, knowing that actors would one day repeat it.

So, yeah. Season 9. There you have it.


For wootsauce: Pretentious gallery artists.

As previously mentioned, I work at an art supply store, so I know allllll about this topic. While it is true that many gallery artists are pretentious, the words that come more readily to my mind are "cheap" and "batshit insane".

One of my favorite customer lines: "I should get a discount, because I'm an artist." Yes, people actually say this. Regularly. As though all the other people in the store are just stocking up on cadmium red because they're slowly poisoning their girlfriend's ferret. (If only she'd gotten a RAT like he told her!)

I also like it when customers make a big deal out of having a resale license, because it means they Actually Sell Things. Well, whoop de freaking doo. Would you like to try persuading me that you shouldn't have to pay the seven cents of tax on that palette knife because you're going to use it in a found-object sculpture which you'll proceed to sell for as much money as I make in a month? Thought so. (All my sculptures are found-object, by the way. I found this clay in the bargain aisle at Dick Blick!)

Among the choice lines customers use when they don't like an employee's answer to a question is this all-time classic:

"Are there any REAL artists who work here?"

The STENCH of arrogance and pretension that just RISES off these bored Marin County housewives when they whip out this gem of a line has been known to kill small animals. (Of which we have many at our fine establishment, but that's another rant entirely.)

Then there's the guy who refuses to give out his phone number for the goddamn discount card because he's the World's Greatest Contemporary Artist (yes, he ACTUALLY said that), and he doesn't want anybody calling up his fabulous self. Any exchange you have with him inevitably ends in either him screaming abuse at you, or him ranting about "that cut-throat George Bush!".

Yeah, he's not so much pretentious, mostly insane.

I hate art.

---

On a totally unrelated note, does anybody know what the hell is up with Super Milk Chan? Look, I'm hip, I watch Harvey Birdman and Venture Bros and all. But the Super Milk Chan? Yeah, totally don't get it.

Comments

[skywaterblue.livejournal.com]

*mad mad cackling*

[pauraque]

I liked your spontaneous rant today, btw. Giving characters mental illnesses they demonstrably don't have... yeah, not so much.

[the-red-baron.livejournal.com]

Amazingly, I actually do know what's up with Super Milk Chan: most of the humor in the show is based on Japanese wordplay, so it naturally makes no sense in translation. Seriously. Why they thought it was a good idea to put this on Cartoon Network in English is anyone's guess, really.

[pauraque]

That's a bit of a relief, really. I thought maybe I was just not cool enough to get the joke. I also wasn't sure it *was* a Japanese series at first, since the dubbing is so... well, I don't want to say "good". Non-stilted, call it.

[forked.livejournal.com]

Hee! I'm loving this rant meme- too much funny stuff. And may I just say:

That's not redemption. That's character assassination.

Word! Snape needs no redemption, and he certainly doesn't need to be turned into a fluffy bunny.

Also, glad to know I'm not the only one who doesn't get Super Milk Chan. Not at all. In fact, about the only thing I enjoy about it are the commercials/music vid type things. I can't help but stare at them in horrified amazement.

[vikingcarrot.livejournal.com]

I want to applaud you on your brief rants on the rats, pretentious gallery artists, and the Sirius/Remus where you go off on a tangent about Peter and Cho.

I would like to bear your children, only not, since I never wish to breed, and you don't swing my way.

Werd. :B

[typicrobots.livejournal.com]

Don't get Super Milk Chan, but sometimes her cooing voice puts me to sleep.

[norah.livejournal.com]

Cho/Peter OTP! I love your explanation of the pairing.

And wait, why are we still awake?

[pauraque]

I'm not! I went to bed hours ago! *fakesnore, fakesnore*

[norah.livejournal.com]

Yeah, metoo.

*zzzzzzzzzz*

[melpemone.livejournal.com]

I had successfully erased that email from Mulder to Scully from my mind. I shall now have to go back to therapy. DAMN you.

::weeps::

[pauraque]

It tastes like burning!

[spican.livejournal.com]

Hee, brilliant rants! Love your point about redemption vs. character assassination. And season nine, oh yeah, it was beyond bad. I still get this feeling of almost aggressive disbelief at how it played out. Ugh.

Hmm... a propos the rat rant, I've promised my kids they can get a pet of their own when they turn 12 (under my supervision, of course). They're talking about ferrets and chinchillas, but maybe I should work them up towards choosing a rat. I've known only one rat in my life (not counting fictional ones) but it was smart, sociable and loving.

[pauraque]

Chinchillas are pretty friendly, but also high-maintenance. They need a big corral to run around in, and it has to have really high sides (they can jump about five feet in the air). They also require very fine dust to roll around in, or else their fur gets matted and oily. You can buy jars of dust specifically for this, but you can imagine how messy it gets. (Also, they're mesoamerican animals, Norway might be too cold for them.)

[melusina]

Bwah!

And about Sayid? From your lips keyboard to God's J. J. Abram's ear. . .

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

They are easier, those memes. *sulks* But 2,500 pages??

*gleeful!*

Man, you do have an evil boss. My Big Boss (as opposed to the little boss, who is my friend) decided he was going to institute an "Employee of the Year" award in lieu of Christmas bonuses except that we:

1. only got Christmas bonuses once, from a generous donor

2. Never got Xmas bonuses until then and the "Employee of the Year" award carries the distinction of a heavy piece of card stock. In ivory. Woo.

The X-files email burns. BURNS. There also needs to be some Cho/Peter, stat.

[pauraque]

But 2,500 pages??

2500 WORDS, my dear. I'm not sure writing 2500 pages in a week is even physically possible...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

*bonk* I did mean 2,500 words. My head is 2,500 light years away. Eeeeeeek.

[pauraque]

Bwaha. It's okay. My brain hasn't exactly been functioning lately either, and I think it's because all my (already limited) neural power is in fact invested in writing the Peter/Otto. I haven't worked on anything of significant length in a non-HP fandom for quite a while, and working on it is addictive. I've been in HP long enough that there's a concern with finding new things to say... whereas with this-- I haven't said *anything* yet! I want to say it all! I predict heavy editing in my future.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Word to all these rants (even if I would still worry, if I got my kid a rat, that it would eventually have to kill him, like Ben killed Willard) but AAAAARRGGGHH! THE DEAREST DANA E-MAIL! as;ldkf;adklfjasl;dfj!!!!!

You're so right--until you've been an X-Phile you really can't understand what it means for a series to go downhill. Or fall of a cliff.

[pauraque]

Man, HP fen don't know how good they have it. What's OotP!Ginny compared to Season9!Scully? What's screwing up the Weasleys' ages compared to... uh... that whole lack of any kind of reasonable continuity thing?

JKR spoils us rotten.

[bardsmaid.livejournal.com]

Loved your words about rats, pretentious artists and Evil Boss (geez, what a guy!) And WORD about the XF's shameful descent into... whatever it became. Reading those e-mails reminded me very sharply why I refused to watch the last two seasons (well, except for the finale, because I knew Krycek's ghost was to appear in it, however briefly.) A disaffected-but-hopeful 'phile friend told me at the time that *Trust No One wasn't as bad as the rest--almost okay--but I tried a few minutes of it and just couldn't go on. What fate more horrible for a fictional universe than to be turned into a hollow, leering shadow of itself?

[pauraque]

I don't know what your friend was on about, but I watched basically all of season 9, and... yeah, TN1 was the bottom of the barrel. The finale was actually pretty decent by comparison.

By the end of the series, I mostly just felt bad for Gillian Anderson.

[bardsmaid.livejournal.com]

By the end of the series, I mostly just felt bad for Gillian Anderson.

Yes, I felt this, too. Just a glance at those last two seasons and it was painful to see what the writers had turned Scully into. Where was the feisty investigator we'd come to know? She'd become TragicWomanLostWithoutHerMan. I'd read an early-season interview with Gillian where she didn't say in so many words that the writers ignored her input, but the sense of it was there even in the midst of her diplomacy. I can only imagine how discouraging it must have been to have to play this shell of Scully at the end of the show.

Likewise with Nick Lea, who worked so hard to build fascinating nuance and contradiction into Krycek only to have the character (*Biogenesis and beyond) reduced to a rubber stamp villain and worked like a marionette by the writers as a mere plot device. To say nothing of K's puzzling, pointless demise.

If we hadn't already become invested in these characters, it would have been much less painful to see them waste away like this.

[malograntum.livejournal.com]

I feel so guilty on those occasions (it's happened two or three times) when I've inadvertently been the first person, long after the series ended, to inform some innocent former X-Phile that Krycek had been killed off. They're always fans who got out after the sixth season or earlier, and they always get really wide eyes and go, "Wait, Krycek is DEAD?" And I'm like, dude, I'm not even going to tell you the bad stuff.

[pauraque]

She's here! She's not covered in snow! Hurray!

[megstuff.livejournal.com]

You are the best ranter ever. It's always the quiet ones...

[pauraque]

Hee! I save it up...

[aubrem.livejournal.com]

You're better than that, Sev! You don't need the Potter men to tell you what's what. It's your hot body, you do what you want!

um, is it just me or is this totally hot? I have this image of Severus torn between Pauraque's advise and asneaking admission that he *likes* "the Potter men" telling him "what's what".

[not-sally.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

[katers007.livejournal.com]

::laughs and feels much love for your redemption rant::

[wootsauce.livejournal.com]

Ahaha! I know exactly tyhe kind of people you're talking about, and I hate them even more than my personal brand of pretentious gallery asshole!

[lycoris.livejournal.com]

Did you just ship Peter/Cho? WHY, GOD, WHY? *hides* And now IT'S PREYING ON MY MIND! WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?!

But yes, Remus crying should be very rare and occasional and not at all if you can help it. *nods*

[pauraque]

Maybe if he got hit in the nuts with a softball bludger or something. Yeah, he could cry then.

[lycoris.livejournal.com]

*is currently having the image* Poor Remus!

[flimpy.livejournal.com]

Oh man, that was beautiful.

Can't argue there, S9 is about as foul as it gets. Ahhhh ye ole fandom. *Reminisces with Dumbledoresque twinkling eye*

[dragonelle-fics.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for that quip about Remus being a Vulcan. He is! to the point where somebody ought to be using ponn far as a plot device.

Or maybe not, heh ;-) But he definitely shouldn't be bawling!

Your rant about the pretentious gallery artists had me in tears, too. My mum used to be a commercial artist and would come home with stories about some of the whackjobs she knew from work or had met at parties, but she got out of the business before I had the "opportunity" to meet any of the real loonies firsthand.

[kaptainsnot.livejournal.com]

Hehehe -- pretentious 'artists' are the worst. A week ago I went to a private gallery opening for an LA painter's art, which I was sorely disappointed with, and as always, was faced with half a room of reticent hipsters and half a room of arrogant half-trained people that had trouble finding the line between creating art and knowing your vintage wine. It's a sad lot -- I can't even imagine working at an art store. I hope it gives you some laughs, at least. <3

Also, Super Milk Chan is such a crackanimation I don't even know what to say. Japanese, right? I hope it's better in its original form, or else I...yech. I remember when they were showing snips for it, I was actually looking forward to the shiny, clean art. Ah well @__@.

[caesia390.livejournal.com]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!

so i meant to look at this, but then forgot about it, but then you brought it up and i remembered, so...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BURNS!!!!!!

i cut my losses and run in season 7, i think it was, and it was bad THEN. but this...!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhh i didn't really it could sting so BAD after all this time! but it Does. more horrified shock than personal betrayal, though. ;_______;

[veryshortlist.livejournal.com]

The bits about Sayid and redemption are funny, because they are so very true.

And hey, it's okay. At least you got cookies for Christmas. meh.