still alive

[pauraque_bk]

Thank you for the kind thoughts and comments. I'm hurting and bleeding from places you don't normally bleed from, but I'm actually very alert and didn't get nauseated from the anesthesia at all, which was what I thought would happen. I also thought I might die, but that didn't happen either.

Some curious details.

When I was getting ready to leave I realized I didn't have any clean socks, so I went up to my brother's room to borrow a pair. He was not there so I had to peek in all the drawers of the dresser, a dresser which belonged originally to our mom. One of the drawers was completely empty except for a few random non-clothing items which clearly had been hers. I was surprised because I thought I had dealt with all her possessions.

Among other things were a handwritten note from a priest thanking her for her kind donation to the church (dated 4/3/04, four months before her death), and a set of rosary beads.

My mom was a professed -- even an obnoxious, Dawkins-like -- atheist all my life. She was a very private person, but from what I could piece together, she had been raised Christian, but disavowed it when she got older because she felt the other people in the church were hypocritical, prayed for selfish things, did not truly believe, etc. By the time I was self-aware, she was vehemently opposed to all organized religions, and even to personal spirituality. (I distinctly remember when my older cousin was having his Bar Mitzvah, she would not let me go, even though my dad and a lot of his secular Jewish relatives were going. Even supporting a friend in his religious rites wasn't acceptable.)

I guess my conclusion is that it was never really that she stopped believing or wanting to believe, but that her early experiences made her so angry that she didn't just reject her church, but God in general. But when she perceived (correctly) that she was dying of cancer, facing her mortality led her back. I hope she got some peace from it, though she may just have been feeling fear and desperation.

I have no idea how to pray using a rosary and would probably not attempt it, but I took it with me to the hospital.

Got the socks too.

*

My dad picked me up from the hospital because he is the only person I know in the Bay Area I know who has a car and doesn't do anything during the day. (He teaches evening classes.) They won't let you go home by yourself, even in a taxi.

I had given his number to _hannelore to call if she wanted to check the status, and when she did, he managed in the span of a conversation that probably lasted less than minute, to say one of the most offensive things he possibly could, which was to call me by the wrong gendered pronoun.

When I found out about this it simply confirmed what I already suspected, which is that he normally only uses the correct pronoun for me when I, or someone who will tell me, is in earshot. Since he had never talked to _hannelore before, he forgot. I've been presenting as a guy for um... eight years? That is a long time to keep a charade like that going.

I wasn't even really upset. I just feel sorry for people like that. I mean, the entire medical staff I dealt with in the hospital? No problems calling me "Mr. [My Name]", even in medical-type situations where they could hardly ignore that I am trans.

My little hospital bracelet has an M on it! The nurse gave me the usual rigamarole about how I should not take it off because it speaks for me when I can't. Maybe I should leave it on for a while.

Don't make me tap the bracelet.

*

I won't know if the procedure "worked" for a couple of weeks. Also this mood icon is a bit ironic because peeing REALLY hurts. Wait maybe that part should have been under a cut.

Comments

[sedesdraconis.livejournal.com]

didn't get nauseated from the anesthesia at all, which was what I thought would happen. I also thought I might die, but that didn't happen either.

Good!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

The few times I've had surgical procedures, I didn't get sick from the anesthesia, but from the antibiotics afterwards. I'm so, so glad you're feeling well and that things seem to have gone smoothly.

{{hugs}}<-- 'gently'

[rikibeth.livejournal.com]

(((hugs)))

[kaptainsnot.livejournal.com]

-hugs- I'm relieved to hear you are doing okay. And regret to hear about that thing with your dad. I can see how as your father he might slip up -- but eight years is a long time, and I guess feeling sorry for him would also be my response.

Hear's to you feeling better and no longer bleeding from places. <3

[pauraque]

Everyone slips up at first, but after a certain point you've either internalized it or you haven't, you know?

/hugs

[kaptainsnot.livejournal.com]

I hope that he's come to accept you as you are -- and just has problems with the specifics. Even if he's treated you like shit here and there, you know? Some of us are just walking disasters, and I am kind of speaking from experience here.

But you know him best, and I know you are not the kind of person to think badly of someone casually.

[kaptainsnot.livejournal.com]

(by the way? If you ever feel like dropping me your address, feel free. I'd like it if I were able to send you a drawing here or there. It's what I do best, and I don't mean that the way it sounds.)

[scarah2.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it went ok.

How to! In 16 easy steps! Except that some of the steps have to be repeated like 10 times.

I totally thought that my great grandmother spent her last years "playing with her necklace."

[gmth.livejournal.com]

Glad everything went okay. :-) *hugs*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

I'm relieved (non-urinary) that the that the nurses and hospital staff were kindlyly. yaye for smrt ppl.

[bardsmaid.livejournal.com]

Really glad to know you came through okay. Keep us posted.

My experience with the pronouns is that some people just really don't want to accept the change. Even years later. M's family still has virtually no contact with her. OTOH, I suppose I'm weird myself because, not having been around her, either, in a very long time (the trans issue doesn't bug me, but headgames and deception do), I find myself referring to 'her' in referencing times after the transition and 'him' for things before that when, well, that's who I seemed to be with. If that makes sense.

[pauraque]

A lot of people do use the "time appropriate" pronoun, as it were. I can understand how the brain would tend to work like that. Like if you were writing a biography of Marilyn Monroe, probably during the childhood sections you'd call her Norma Jean...

And yes, some people will never accept it. It's sad but what can you do? You can open the door for people but you can't make them walk through.

You're still in my thoughts as well.

[deslea.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you didn't die. :)

I don't know how much I'd read into your dad. Parents are a different breed, you know. In a part of their heads/hearts you're always their little babe in arms - in this case, baby girl in arms. Especially when you're going into something dangerous or frightening. Caring for your young child and all the perceptions that support that are hard-wired, and they trump everything. I understand why the incident was hurtful, but I wouldn't be too quick to read anything into it about his acceptance of you.

[pauraque]

I appreciate the alternative perspective -- I do! I hate jumping to think the worst of someone.

In this case it was the context and whole history that made me think that way. He can seem quite tolerant at times, but has also literally yelled in my face that I'm a freak and destroyed our family -- and never apologized for that.

There may be truth in both readings.

[florahart]

I imagine you know your dad well enough to have some idea whether it might have just been that he was concerned and failed to apply a filter to a long-standing way or referring to someone. I mean, still offensive, but like, I still have to deliberately change in my head the pronoun for the person in my workforce who is now female (who has been presenting as female for maybe 3 years and had surgical changes made a year and a half ago, I think), and I suppose if I were particularly frazzled, I might not only fail to do so, but fail to realize I had. I hope not, though, and I think were the person my child, I might have spent some considerable time trying to make the right pronoun reflexive.

Am glad you didn't die. Also, am glad you did not have my usual response to anesthesia, which involves regaining the capacity to control my limbs considerably sooner than regaining the capacity to consider whether I should, and apparently being Quite Averse to remaining horizontal. I try to get up and leave, over and over. At the time, I have no sense that this is a Bad Idea, though afterward, I remember and am all, SELF. WTF. Heh.

[pauraque]

I'm sure the ability to internalize the right pronoun is very dependent on context. If you've known a lot of trans people or are one, it's going to be easier. If you knew the person for a long time before transition, it'd be harder. If you rarely see them or have to think about it, it'd be harder. Probably! I'm sure people have different experiences.

I didn't try to get up out of bed, but I did ask the nurses a few times whether I was awake or dreaming. The anesthesiologist had told me I would have dreams, but I didn't! Unless the thing about talking to the nurses really was a dream.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I'm glad things went okay, man person. Even if you didn't pray the rosary, it was nice you could take it with you if you wanted. Your mom would want her SON to have that same as her.

Honestly, your dad's probably causing his own problems by this point. He's the one who sounds confusing after 8 yrs imo.

[pauraque]

He's the one who sounds confusing after 8 yrs imo.

Exactly. If he she'd me in front of a stranger, they'd have no idea who he was talking about.

[alchemia.livejournal.com]

I hope the surgery worked and you're all better!
Re parents, Ive sorta given up; my mother can't even get the right pronouns infront of me.

[pauraque]

Thank you. My dad didn't get it right in front of me for years either so at least there's been some sort of improvement, even if he doesn't "mean it". :P

[alchemia.livejournal.com]

I cant guess for your dad, but i think my mother just can't break the "habit" of calling me by my old name/pronouns; and the name change shouldn't be too difficult since it's a masculine nickname of my female name, yet I can count the times she's remember to use it on one hand. She actually came to the realisation I was trans without my having to tell her, so it's not like she can't get her head around the idea. Admittedly, I've a difficult time breaking habit too when referring to other trans people that I knew before their coming out, and I feel horrible every time I screw up.

[lolaraincoat.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear you got through the surgery, and so sorry about your dad. At least he did the driving. Sending you strength ...

*makes buzzing sound to indicate transmission of PYSCHIC BRAIN WAVES OMG*

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

Tap the bracelet! I'm glad you're doing okay.

[skywaterblue.livejournal.com]

You're alive. Hoorah! This fact is one of many that makes me glad to also be alive.

You're dad's a big asswipe in a lot of ways, from what I can tell, so I'm hardly surprised. :( Sorry about that.

[thimble-kiss.livejournal.com]

Very glad for the 'still alive' factor. :) Hope the post-surgery pains go away soon! *hugs* As for your dad ... I guess if he 'forgets' around others but not (usually) around you, it can't be purely a matter of habit but of willingness as well. Or lack of it, which sucks, especially after such a long time. Still, if he somewhat tries, I guess that's better than no concession to the realities at all. For some people, changing their perception is like pulling teeth, sadly.

By the way, this is Rozarka. I changed my journal name due to RL privacy concerns. Just in case you wonder who the heck. :)

[pauraque]

Oh my, hello old friend. I added your new journal, hope to see you around. :D

[thimble-kiss.livejournal.com]

Yay! Thanks. <3

[vikingcarrot.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're doing okay - and I hope the surgery turns out to have been successful.

[pauraque]

Thanks Carrot. I hope things improve for you as well.

[tekalynn.livejournal.com]

Get well soon. It's good to hear from you.

[asphodeline.livejournal.com]

Ooh, good luck with it all. Non-icky anaesthetic is brilliant!!

Take care

xx

[chazpure.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear the surgery went well - hope everything heals up quickly and successfully!

Your mother's rosary made me smile. I haven't been to Mass in years, but I still have a rosary in my purse. Praying the rosary can be very comforting and meditative, but sometimes just having it with you is comfort of its own.