FIC REPOST: For gods to menace fools

[pauraque_bk]

I am reposting this fic at the request of a reader. The only place it was posted was at pornish_pixies, which is locked now, so not so easy to access. (fluffyllama has been kind enough to offer me a spot to put my fics, but I've been too busy to work on it yet.)

So yes, this is a fic from 2005! I had not read or thought about it in a long time. Perhaps it will be a good re-read for some of you, or a first read for those who are not familiar with my earlier career, in which I actually posted things that weren't about Warcraft and/or my cat.

*

Title: For gods to menace fools
Author: Eodrakken (pauraque)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Harry/Lupin
Warnings: Dubious consent.
Word count: 3100
Summary: The week after his birthday, Harry comes to say goodbye to Lupin. It doesn't go the way he expects.
Notes: For switchknife's birthday. Thanks to _hannelore and atdelphi.

+++

When Lupin answers the door, he invites Harry in with a smile that doesn't seem to reach his eyes.

The house is very dim, but Lupin's fully dressed, like he's just been sitting in the dark. Lupin turns up a paper-shaded lamp at the far side of the room, making everything glow faintly red. Harry peers around at the bookshelves and the battered old sofa; he's never been to Lupin's house before. Tonks's yellow anorak is hanging on a hook by the door.

'Is, er...?' Harry starts, straining his eyes to see into the next room.

'No, she isn't here,' Lupin says, his face unreadable.

Lupin serves him tea at the kitchen table, even though it's ten o'clock at night. Harry explains what the three of them are going to do (sometimes it seems he spends half his life explaining, all pouring out and left dry afterwards) and Lupin listens attentively, neither arguing nor nodding approval, occasionally sipping his Earl Grey.

'...so Ron and Hermione are off explaining to the Grangers, and... well, I don't really care where the Dursleys think I've gone.'

Finally, Lupin says, 'But you wanted to explain it to me.'

'Yeah.' Harry hugs himself a little, tugs down at the sleeve of his jumper. He's tense, still waiting for Lupin to say something about their grand plan.

'Well,' Lupin says, sitting back and drawing a long breath, 'I don't imagine you'll want to start back to the Burrow at this hour.' He seems a lot older than he did in third year, lines coming down on either side of his mouth. 'You can have my bedroom, if you like.'

'What about you?'

Lupin shrugs. 'The sofa's comfortable enough.' And then, after a pause: 'Don't worry about me.'

*

Harry strips to his pants and T-shirt and sits down stiffly on the bed. It's strange being in Lupin's bedroom alone. There's an aquarium with a filter running on the chest of drawers, and it takes Harry a minute to realise it isn't fish, but water sprites, wriggling around the plastic castle and making it glow from inside.

He puts his glasses down on the peeling white windowsill -- the bed's pushed up against the window -- and awkwardly gets under the covers. The mattress is old, and the springs press into him uncomfortably, but there's a squashy blue comforter that seems almost new. The sheets smell of fresh laundry and Lupin's skin.

There's a click -- the back door -- and Harry pulls the curtain aside just a tiny bit to peek out the window. The outside light comes on, and Lupin comes down the steps. He sits down, and Harry can just see his legs and his folded hands around the side of the house. He thinks of when Uncle Vernon used to go out on the back steps and puff on a cigarette late at night when his company wasn't doing so well, though he wasn't supposed to. Harry lets the curtain go, and settles back down into Lupin's bed.

Harry's nearly asleep when he hears the back door open and shut again, and Lupin's footsteps creaking through the house. The hall door opens with a faint whine; footfalls approach, then hesitate. Harry imagines Lupin coming in and saying how brave he is for doing this, how good Ron and Hermione are for coming with him. Something to make him feel warm and strong like back in third year.

The door opens, and Lupin comes in softfooted, a vague grey shape moving towards the bed. Harry sits up halfway, leaning on his arm, and Lupin stops.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I left my book.' He picks it up off the floor by the side of the bed, holds it up in the darkness.

'Oh,' Harry says.

Lupin pauses for a moment -- Harry wishes he had his glasses so he could see his face clearly -- and then sits down on the edge of the bed. He's nearly sitting on Harry's foot, and Harry feels naked in his thin white T-shirt, even though the comforter's over his legs.

'Harry, why did you come here?'

That's not at all what Harry was expecting, and he can't find words to answer it. He reaches over and puts his glasses back on. 'I... What do you mean?'

'I mean,' Lupin sighs, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling, 'you own a house not ten miles away. What do you mean by coming here?'

There's something uncoiling in Harry's stomach that he's never felt around Lupin before -- he's getting angry. 'Well, if I'd thought I'd be imposing on you, I'd never have come. You could have just said if you didn't want me around, if you didn't care what we--'

'He left you everything.' Lupin is staring right at him, and in the blue dark there's something frank and wounded in his eyes that Harry can barely stand to look at. 'He loved you the most, and now we know that.'

It takes Harry a second to get what Lupin is saying, and in that moment when it dawns, Harry hates him, can't believe he's so selfish, so greedy. Money and things. He swallows his voice down hard to keep himself from yelling. 'I didn't think we were in competition.'

Lupin turns his head away. 'Well, that's you, isn't it. You didn't even know there was a game, and you won it anyway.'

'That's-- I didn't want any of that. I don't care about the house or the money or any of it--'

'I expect it's a bit easier not to care about the money when you've already got as much as you need,' Lupin says.

Harry doesn't want this, he doesn't want to see Lupin this weak, this petty. 'What do you want? You want me to give you the money? Fine, it's yours, it's not as though I'll need it where I'm going anyway -- Tell you what, I'll make out my will right now, and when I get killed trying to save the bloody world, it's all yours, Kreacher and everything.'

Harry finds that his voice is trembling, and Lupin is sitting so still, and part of him thinks he should just shut up and apologise, but he can't.

'Do you honestly think I'd rather stay in that horrible place than here with you?' Harry's voice breaks on 'here'.

He stops, and Lupin's eyes are shining. Harry is shaking, and he expects Lupin to shout at him, to cry, to throw him out of the house.

But what happens is that Lupin leans in and kisses him.

Harry isn't expecting it, and their teeth click together. There's nowhere for him to go, nothing to do but just be kissed, feel Lupin's mouth over his, the comforter holding down his legs. Lupin pulls back a little, and their lips are just an inch apart for a minute, both breathing, both stunned.

Lupin sits back, looking shocked. 'I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. I... haven't been myself lately.'

Harry pushes up his glasses, flushing. 'It's-- it's okay...' He thinks of Felix Felicis, of the monster in his chest. 'I know what you mean.'

Something breaks in Lupin's eyes, and he kisses Harry again, harder, taking him by the arm. Harry's hand comes up automatically to Lupin's shoulder like he's going to push him away, but then he doesn't, instead he's fisting the cloth of Lupin's shirt and hanging on, and he's kissing back. Lupin's mouth is scratchy and wet against his, and it's like nothing he's ever felt before. His glasses are in the way, pressing into his face.

'I'm sorry,' Lupin says breathlessly as he pulls away. His eyes are dark with dilated pupils.

'Stop apologising,' Harry says, and he isn't sure he really means what that sounds like, but then Lupin is kissing him again, and he can't think anymore. Lupin's hands are down his back and under his T-shirt, palms on his waist, touching, holding. Harry gets out from under the comforter, and his exposed legs get goosebumps from the cooler air.

And then Harry's raising his arms so Lupin can pull his T-shirt off over his head, and Lupin's shrugging out of his shirt, and it's not that Harry doesn't want it -- he's half-hard in his pants, and blushing for that -- but it's all so fast, and strange...

When Lupin kisses him again, his hand drifts over from Harry's hip to the outline of his cock in his underpants, and Harry tenses.

Lupin's looking at him questioningly, his breath quavering. His hand is stilled against Harry's prick. 'Have you... are you a virgin?'

For a second Harry wonders if Lupin will stop if he tells the truth, and whether he wants him to stop... 'No, I... I never have.'

'I thought perhaps you and Ginny...'

'No.'

Lupin runs his other hand through Harry's hair, pushing it out of his face, and takes his glasses off him, puts them aside. 'Will you let me...?' He strokes Harry through his underpants, just once, and Harry knows he'll let him do anything he wants.

Then Harry's lying back on his elbows, and Lupin is pulling down the waistband of his pants, pulling them off. He's naked now in Lupin's bed, hard in front of him, and it's all so surreal that he almost laughs.

Lupin crawls up on hands and knees over Harry's spread thighs. Harry flushes, feeling the heat under his hair. Lupin's tongue down the underside, and Harry almost thinks he's going to come right then, but he can't watch it, can't look at the head of his own prick making a round bulge in Lupin's cheek.

Lupin pulls off too soon, ending with a wet-sounding kiss at the tip. Harry's hands are fisted in the bedsheets, it wouldn't have been much longer. 'Oh god--'

'Harry,' Lupin murmurs into his hip, stroking the other with his fingertips. 'I want to feel you inside me. Would you like to do that?'

'Yeah,' Harry says, because that's all he can say. 'Yeah, okay.'

Lupin reaches under the bed and finds a bottle and a box. It's hard not to push into Lupin's hands as he shows him how to roll the condom down his aching prick, as he squeezes the thick, clear stuff out of the bottle and strokes it onto him. He feels every wrinkle in the thin latex, and it's weird, feeling Lupin's touch but muffled, pushed back.

Lupin takes his trousers off, and this is the first time Harry's seen him naked. His cock is stiff and red, bigger than Harry's own, and Harry has a hard time looking away. Lupin gets on his hands and knees at the head of the bed, and it hits Harry anew that he's here, kneeling here naked with a rubber on and about to-- to--

Harry holds the base of his prick and presses the head between Lupin's cheeks -- meets resistance.

'Yes, that's right.' Lupin's voice is soft, but he's trembling. 'Don't worry, you won't hurt me. I promise.'

Harry isn't sure he believes him, but he pushes, presses harder than he'd ever guessed he'd have to, and then the head pops in and Lupin arches back into him, groaning.

'Yes. Good, Harry, that's good,' he breathes.

Harry presses, slides further in, and it's tight, gripping him like a fist. This is just what he wants now, and his head drops and he pushes all the way in, as far as he can go. Lupin is twisting under him, muttering breathless encouragement, and Harry holds Lupin's sharp hips and starts pushing in and out. He has to readjust where his knees are, rebalance, but it gets easier with each thrust, more natural, and soon there's heat and pressure building up inside, already threatening to burst. Lupin's gripping the edge of the mattress, and Harry would never have guessed how good it would be to have a man's arse flush up against him, to be inside--

Harry shoves in hard and comes, holds himself there, digging his fingers into Lupin's hips. The feeling of his own come pooling around the head of his prick, cool and damp. Harry almost topples them over, knees buckling, and has to grab at the windowsill.

'Careful,' Lupin pants. 'Hold it when you pull out.'

Oh, right. Harry holds the ring of the condom as he slides out, and Lupin turns around to help show him how to do it without turning it inside out and spilling his come on the bed. Leans over to throw it in the rubbish bin, and that's when Harry notices Lupin's still hard, his prick pressing against his thigh as he stretches.

'You didn't--' Harry starts, feeling a little thread of panic. Did he mess up?

'No,' Lupin says, sitting up again with a very faint smile. 'I want... First I want this.' He sits next to Harry and picks up his hand, guides it to his own cock. Harry's never touched anyone else's penis but his own, and it feels strangely backwards.

Lupin shows Harry how he likes to be touched, how to run his fingertips along either side of the ridge on the underside of his dick, how to palm his bollocks without squeezing too hard. The slit of Lupin's cock is leaking now, and Harry doesn't know how he can stand to wait. Lupin shows him how to warm up the lube between his hands before using it.

'Are you going to... er...' Harry finds he can't say fuck to Remus Lupin. 'Um, you know... do what I did?'

'Would you like me to?'

'Well, I don't think...' He can't help it, his eyes keep dropping down to Lupin's cock, it's just -- he can't imagine taking it. 'I don't think I can...'

'That's all right, we don't have to do that,' Lupin says. 'Can I show you something else? Nothing alarming, I promise.' Lupin smiles, and Harry can only trust him, a flood of trust that can't be held back.

Lupin guides him down so that they're lying on their sides, face to face. He reaches down between them and rubs more lubricant onto his cock, and Harry's watching his face, feeling his arm move as he's stroking himself.

'Lift up your leg a bit,' Lupin directs him quietly, patting his knee. Harry does, and Lupin props himself up on one elbow and slides his dick in between Harry's thighs, just under his balls. Puts his outside leg over both of Harry's, pressing them together, and pushes flush up against him; Harry's soft penis brushes against Lupin's belly. Lupin's eyes fall shut in pleasure, and he starts pushing in and out, slowly at first, savouring it.

Open-mouthed, Harry squeezes his thighs shut around the hard, hot prick, feeling it pull his flesh back and forth. Harry thinks his arms are in the way, so he lifts them up above his head, and somehow that feels like he's opening up his whole body, giving everything. Lupin wraps his free arm around Harry's waist and kisses him as he fucks Harry's thighs.

'I'm sorry,' Lupin whispers against the corner of his mouth. 'I know you didn't tell him to leave you everything. He just-- he loved you so much, Harry. I--'

'It's okay,' Harry breathes. 'I know.'

Lupin kisses him again, gently on his upper lip, his lower lip, and then taking Harry's whole mouth until he can barely breathe. Soon Lupin's thrusting faster, harder, and Harry can only watch the feelings play across his face, just inches away. Brows knitting, the cords of his neck stretching. Belly to belly, chest to chest as Lupin holds him tight and comes, trembling. Harry watches with wide eyes.

Closing his eyes with a heavy outbreath that Harry feels against his throat, Lupin presses his forehead down against Harry's. Harry has never felt anything like this, close and quiet, naked against another human being in the dark. Breathing together. He brings one hand down to rest lightly on Lupin's shoulder. When he does that, Lupin pulls him closer, hissing in a breath. Rubs Harry's sweat-cool back between his shoulderblades.

He holds Harry like that for a minute or two, and then his hand slides up to Harry's ribcage as he gently pulls away.

'It's hot in here,' Lupin mumbles, not meeting Harry's eyes. 'I think I need some air.'

*

When they get out onto the front steps, the night sky is hazy orange from city lights so that only the brightest stars can be seen.

Lupin's sitting with his cheek resting in his palm, gazing out across the road. Harry can't stop glancing over at him, thinking about what his skin felt like under Harry's hands, what his face looked like when he came. He wonders how you can ever carry on a normal conversation with someone after you've slept together. He stretches out his arms in front of him, his hands clasped together -- yawns.

Lupin turns his head, looks at him with a sad smile.

'What?' Harry feels a little funny being looked at -- having been seen naked.

'I'm not certain we ought to have done that,' Lupin says, words muffled from leaning on his hand.

Harry's stomach goes hollow. 'What... what makes you say that?'

'Well, I'm not exactly... unattached...' (Harry thinks of Tonks's yellow anorak with a twinge.) '...and I'm afraid I've continued my trend of having lovers who are entirely too young for me.'

He says that so gently, and embarrassed warmth is coming to Harry's cheeks, hot against the cool night air. 'It's all right,' he jokes awkwardly, 'it was my birthday last week. All legal.'

'Oh, well then...' Lupin smiles wryly with a little wave, a slight roll of his eyes as he glances away.

Harry laughs quietly. Takes off his glasses to rub them on the sleeve of his jumper, and when he puts them back on, Lupin is looking at him again with shining eyes, smile fading.

'What?'

'I've thought of another reason,' Lupin says. 'You're leaving.'

Harry feels this sort of... pull, then, like he's tied to Lupin at the waist, and he almost says he isn't, he won't leave, he'll stay here and the world can save itself. But he can't lie to Lupin -- never could.

'Yeah,' he says.

Lupin's hand slides onto Harry's knee. 'Voldemort isn't going to kill you,' he says. And then: 'You always win.'

Harry leans in to kiss him, and Lupin lets him do it. He takes Harry by the arm, and closes his eyes almost like it hurts.

end.

Comments

[papyrus4sirus.livejournal.com]

So glad you put this back up, I love it so much. The plot, the little details of the water sprites, All of it. excellent writing!!!

[pauraque]

Thanks again. Happy to oblige!

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

I love it, for a wealth of reasons, but mainly for Remus being so Remus-y. No wonder Harry is putty in his hands.

[pauraque]

Thank you. :)

[exbentley]

The slow unbeautiful slide of this still turns me into a puddle. Not that I don't enjoy hearing about WoW and your cat, but thankyou for reposting.

[pauraque]

♥

[paean-sf.livejournal.com]

You wrote this 5 years ago, posted it 22 months ago, and I am just now reading it. You mentioned in a post that suddenly you have more persons friending you. For me, it was finding http://juxian.slashcity.net/index.html link to your AJPW world link down, so I tracked it down on LJ, and then started reading through your archives. So glad the link was dead...

Of the few stories of yours I've read so far, this one really resonated with me as true in some way. Most the time I think of slash as being AU just in and of itself, but somehow this fits seamlessly into the JKR books, and yet, is a much better characterization who Harry and Remus are in my mind.

[pauraque]

Thank you very much! Yes, it's been quite a long time since I was writing fanfic actively... I've been meaning to put all my stuff up on a site somewhere, since my old one was on a domain that belonged to someone else and doesn't exist anymore. But failing that, I believe it's all in my LJ memories.

Feel free to friend me, though I hope you won't be disappointed since I don't post much and very rarely about HP anymore!