filk: Evil!Snape Sings
Dec. 10th, 2003 01:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pauraque_bk...or, "HMS Gryffindor".
*
SCENE: The Ministry of Magic. The building is dank and filled with cobwebs, and generally evil-looking.
Enter EVIL!SNAPE in a stylish black cloak, accompanied by EVIL!MINIONS.
Song to the tune of "When I was a lad I served a term" from HMS Pinafore (music by Sir Arthur Sullivan)
SNAPE:
When I was a boy I went to school
Where Dumbledore taught us all his golden rule:
"Just skive off class from nine to four
And you never will be punished -- if you're Gryffindor!"
MINIONS:
And you never will be punished if you're Gryffindor!
SNAPE:
I took to heart what I was taught,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
MINIONS:
He took to heart what he was taught, etc.
SNAPE:
Tom Riddle was like a father to me;
He taught me Cruciatus and Occlumency.
He marked me with his protective bond,
And I licked his evil boots and polished his wand.
MINIONS:
He licked his evil boots and polished his-- er... ahem, etc.
SNAPE:
I rubbed it up with oil just like I ought,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort!
MINIONS:
He rubbed it up with oil-- ah... *cough*, etc.
SNAPE:
Months passed; I grew to understand
That my Dark Lord was not a well man.
Unicorn blood was his daily snack--
And I never got to kill those wankers Potter and Black.
So I plotted hard and soon I thought
Of a plan to make the most of knowing Voldemort.
Like Saul on the road to Damascus, I
Came crawling back to school with a repentful cry:
"I've just realised killing Muggles is bad
And the Dark Lord was a poor choice as a surrogate dad."
Albus bribed a judge, and I lied in court,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
For eighteen years I bided time,
Teaching dunderheaded firsties how to brew up slime.
Made sure that I was a trusted man--
Then I poisoned Harry Potter at his final exam.
The Light flipped off at the Final Assault,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
I knocked off Lucius, Bellatrix too,
And Wormtail met his maker underneath my shoe.
In pieces Voldie's mind is rent,
And now, through him, I run a puppet government.
MINIONS:
And now, through him, he runs a puppet government!
SNAPE:
Dear Albus, here's my last retort:
I really *am* the right-hand man to Voldemort!
MINIONS:
Dear Albus, here's his last retort:
He really was the right-hand man to Voldemort!
EXEUNT, to maniacal laughter
*
And an unrelated bonus verse:
I read a slashy fic wherein
A Gryffindor banged a Slytherin,
And that Harry/Draco ship, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen;
Writing that little ship was such a good plan
That now I am a Harry Potter Big Name Fan!
*
SCENE: The Ministry of Magic. The building is dank and filled with cobwebs, and generally evil-looking.
Enter EVIL!SNAPE in a stylish black cloak, accompanied by EVIL!MINIONS.
Song to the tune of "When I was a lad I served a term" from HMS Pinafore (music by Sir Arthur Sullivan)
SNAPE:
When I was a boy I went to school
Where Dumbledore taught us all his golden rule:
"Just skive off class from nine to four
And you never will be punished -- if you're Gryffindor!"
MINIONS:
And you never will be punished if you're Gryffindor!
SNAPE:
I took to heart what I was taught,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
MINIONS:
He took to heart what he was taught, etc.
SNAPE:
Tom Riddle was like a father to me;
He taught me Cruciatus and Occlumency.
He marked me with his protective bond,
And I licked his evil boots and polished his wand.
MINIONS:
He licked his evil boots and polished his-- er... ahem, etc.
SNAPE:
I rubbed it up with oil just like I ought,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort!
MINIONS:
He rubbed it up with oil-- ah... *cough*, etc.
SNAPE:
Months passed; I grew to understand
That my Dark Lord was not a well man.
Unicorn blood was his daily snack--
And I never got to kill those wankers Potter and Black.
So I plotted hard and soon I thought
Of a plan to make the most of knowing Voldemort.
Like Saul on the road to Damascus, I
Came crawling back to school with a repentful cry:
"I've just realised killing Muggles is bad
And the Dark Lord was a poor choice as a surrogate dad."
Albus bribed a judge, and I lied in court,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
For eighteen years I bided time,
Teaching dunderheaded firsties how to brew up slime.
Made sure that I was a trusted man--
Then I poisoned Harry Potter at his final exam.
The Light flipped off at the Final Assault,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
I knocked off Lucius, Bellatrix too,
And Wormtail met his maker underneath my shoe.
In pieces Voldie's mind is rent,
And now, through him, I run a puppet government.
MINIONS:
And now, through him, he runs a puppet government!
SNAPE:
Dear Albus, here's my last retort:
I really *am* the right-hand man to Voldemort!
MINIONS:
Dear Albus, here's his last retort:
He really was the right-hand man to Voldemort!
EXEUNT, to maniacal laughter
*
And an unrelated bonus verse:
I read a slashy fic wherein
A Gryffindor banged a Slytherin,
And that Harry/Draco ship, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen;
Writing that little ship was such a good plan
That now I am a Harry Potter Big Name Fan!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 11:38 am (UTC)And make Snape the supreme ruler of everything. That one also needs to be done, chop chop.
>>Like Saul on the road to Damascus
Hmm... are you referencing Morrigan's classic Snape!fic "On the Road to Damascus" here? That would, of course, the TEH FUNNEH, because that was the classic "Snape led into Redemption" fic.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 03:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 07:23 pm (UTC)::nods wisely, while looking ass-like::