no no no no no.

[pauraque_bk]

Some of you know that I've been living with my mom and my brother, and some of you know why -- she was diagnosed with breast cancer in May 2003. I've posted about her treatment occasionally since then, mostly friends-locked, and I've been comforted by the kind wishes my fandom friends and acquaintances have offered, and the experiences some have shared.

My mom's treatment ended quite recently, and she was considered to be free of cancer for the moment. However, she was born with a congenital heart defect which was exacerbated by the cancer treatment that was necessary to save her life.

Today, in the early afternoon, my mom went into cardiac arrest. Paramedics tried to revive her, and then brought her to the hospital where doctors worked on her again. They couldn't get a rhythm. They couldn't save her.

It would have happened instantly, they said. Her heart stopped, she fell down dead. Painless. Nothing to be done. The last time I saw her, she was sitting on the couch watching TV in her pajamas. She was 58. For those who don't know, I'm 21. Because of her cancer, I can't say I hadn't thought of her death... but I never thought of it like this.

It's impossible for me to express what I'm feeling right now, so I won't try. But here... I hope these entries might give some inkling of what a brilliant, fannish, sardonically funny, loved person she was:

Mom analyzes the PoA movie

Mom takes on RPS (when I say I was "visiting" her, I mean in the hospital the day after surgery -- can you believe she was already joking?)

The day of her surgery (used to be friends-locked. more about me than her, I guess.)

Frightening times ahead. I may be somewhat absent, but I don't plan to leave... I'm going to need some things to stay the same so that I don't completely lose my mind.

bowdlerized: I'm going to try to do your beta as I said I would, as a means of distracting myself. But if I feel like I can't or I'm not doing a good job, I'll email you saying so tonight so that you can still make the deadline.

Comments

[trwhiplash.livejournal.com]

(this is wootsauce, posting at a friend's house)

I don't really know what to say, but you have my sincere condolences and sympathies.

[soft-lite.livejournal.com]

{{{pauraque}}} Take care of yourself!

[skywaterblue.livejournal.com]

Oh, god. :( I hardly know you, but you have all my sympathies. (hugs)

[paradox01.livejournal.com]

I really don't know what to say. But my condolences to you and your family - I'm really sorry for your loss.

[geoviki.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry this happened. You have a huge community of friends here who care about you.

[fennie-snake.livejournal.com]

Please take care of yourself; you are very much loved. Your mother always sounded like such a wonderful person when you posted about her. My deepest condolences to you, and your family.

[(Anonymous)]

A response from off of the LJ map...this is Glenn from the ZBB.

Eo, I'm so sorry; I know that I'm writing after so many others...but I still don't know what to say. I read the first few lines of your post, and my heart just sank. Please accept my condolences and sympathies, for you and for your brother and other close ones as well.

I remember your writings about your mother, and I recall when she was starting chemo; I'm sorry that her story had to end like this, but I know that yours will continue and grow, and that you will be able to find the way through a difficult time.

I can't say that I have experienced anything quite like what you're going through, but my maternal grandmother died under very sudden circumstances only a few years ago, and my ex-girlfriend (and still best friend) lost her own mother to an accident when she was only a little older than you are now, so I know what a shock it can be.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, now and in the weeks ahead, and I know that the thoughts of many, many other people are with you as well. (And I add my hug {{ }} to theirs as well. :-) Take care.

p@,
Glenn

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Oh my dear, I am so very sorry to read this sad news about your mom. Much love to you and your family. {{hugs}}

[krazykitkat.livejournal.com]

I feel like I've come to know you a little through keladryb.
My deep sympathies to you and your family.

[subtle-science.livejournal.com]

Oh, hon — I'm so, so sorry.

*HUGS*

[wicked-dragon-x.livejournal.com]

This hit home a lot. In a rather gut-wrenching way. Right now my maternal figures (for lack of a better term to encompass my mother and my best friend's mother) have been going through some pretty awful health problems. I can only imagine, with quite a bit of fear, what it must be like to lose someone like that.

I can't really say much here. I'm terrible at expressing sympathy. But I just... it hits home. Hard.

I can't even put something very coherent down. *hugs*

[maidenjedi]

Oh, hon.

(((((((((hug)))))))))))

You're in my prayers, and....you know, I don't think I know what to say other than I love you and am here for you if you need me. If you've still got my cellphone number, feel free to use it.

[impinc.livejournal.com]

I didn't see this until just now, but... god. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I know everybody has already said this, and I don't reckon it'll make you feel better, but... I'm sorry.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman, and I'm very sorry for your loss *hugs*

[mimine.livejournal.com]

I'm terribly sorry about this. Every situation is different, every person is different but if you want to talk at anytime my yahoo sign in is "frumenta" and my AIM "mimine101". It's been 2 weeks since my mother's death and for me too it was relatively sudden and came after a long illness from which we were hoping she would pull through. Just hang in there, let yourself feel what you need to feel and I truly hope there will be people for you in real life and even online to help you. She seemed like a really great person from the little I saw from your journal. I'm sorry you couldn't have her for longer.

[flimpy.livejournal.com]

*Hugs gently* You have my deepest sympathies. (I don't know how I missed this entry; I feel absolutely terrible...) Take care of yourself, and know that you have many friends here to support you.

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

I only saw this tonight, catching up on LJ. I'm so sorry, Eo.

I remember a couple of the posts above when you originally made them. And the love and pride and pleasure you felt for your mom just shone through. It's presumptuous for a stranger to say this, maybe, but I'm sure she felt that radiating from you, and it must have meant a lot to her.

Take care of yourself.