no no no no no.

[pauraque_bk]

Some of you know that I've been living with my mom and my brother, and some of you know why -- she was diagnosed with breast cancer in May 2003. I've posted about her treatment occasionally since then, mostly friends-locked, and I've been comforted by the kind wishes my fandom friends and acquaintances have offered, and the experiences some have shared.

My mom's treatment ended quite recently, and she was considered to be free of cancer for the moment. However, she was born with a congenital heart defect which was exacerbated by the cancer treatment that was necessary to save her life.

Today, in the early afternoon, my mom went into cardiac arrest. Paramedics tried to revive her, and then brought her to the hospital where doctors worked on her again. They couldn't get a rhythm. They couldn't save her.

It would have happened instantly, they said. Her heart stopped, she fell down dead. Painless. Nothing to be done. The last time I saw her, she was sitting on the couch watching TV in her pajamas. She was 58. For those who don't know, I'm 21. Because of her cancer, I can't say I hadn't thought of her death... but I never thought of it like this.

It's impossible for me to express what I'm feeling right now, so I won't try. But here... I hope these entries might give some inkling of what a brilliant, fannish, sardonically funny, loved person she was:

Mom analyzes the PoA movie

Mom takes on RPS (when I say I was "visiting" her, I mean in the hospital the day after surgery -- can you believe she was already joking?)

The day of her surgery (used to be friends-locked. more about me than her, I guess.)

Frightening times ahead. I may be somewhat absent, but I don't plan to leave... I'm going to need some things to stay the same so that I don't completely lose my mind.

bowdlerized: I'm going to try to do your beta as I said I would, as a means of distracting myself. But if I feel like I can't or I'm not doing a good job, I'll email you saying so tonight so that you can still make the deadline.

Comments

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what to say other than that you and yor mom had been in my thoughts for a while now and I'll be thinking of you and your family in this particularly hard time. Please accept my condolences and all my thoughts and concerns.

[chelsea-energy.livejournal.com]

[florahart]

Oh, damn. I'm so sorry. I don't think there's anything adequate to say, but I'll be thinking of you.

[scarah2.livejournal.com]

I'm new to your friends list and haven't been aware of your story. What a terrible shock for you.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Sarah

[tarnationawaits.livejournal.com]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. If there is anything at all I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask. I mean it.

[mysduende.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear about your sudden loss.

[woolf.livejournal.com]

Oh, Eo, I'm so sorry. You and your brother will be in my thoughts, and I'll light a candle for your mom. (((hugs)))

[infinitemonkeys.livejournal.com]

Eo, I am so sorry. My sympathies on your loss

[millefiori.livejournal.com]

Oh God, 'I'm sorry' seems so inadequate, but I am so sorry. I wish I could have known your mom because I think, just from the little I know of you and how you wrote about her, that she must have been a remarkable woman. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you. (I know that's ridiculous coming from a stranger halfway across the country, but you never know...)

[chaos-rose.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[werewolf-song.livejournal.com]

I know you don't know me, but I'm so sorry this happened. I don't know where you stand religiously, but I'll pray for your comfort anyway.

[kaptainsnot.livejournal.com]

-hugs really tight- Oh, Eo, I'm sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts, as your Mother is and had been for some time. Much love to you all.

[caesia390.livejournal.com]

Remembering her life. Brave and wonderful of you and I'm sorry. I can't even wrap my mind around how shocking and sad this is for me just as a witness...

My love to you. If you ever want to talk, about anything, you have my email. I can give you my number and we can talk on the phone. Just know that I care. However you need to cope... Not just that you've lost your mother, but you've lost her.

I'm so sorry. I wish I had more than words.

[tekalynn.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I don't think I can say anything else.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

HUG

[noblerot.livejournal.com]

She sounds like a wonderful woman and great mom. I'm so very sorry.

[atdelphi.livejournal.com]

My very deepest condolences to you and yours.

[wynter-midnite.livejournal.com]

You always spoke so highly of her, and yes, I do bearly know you, and yes, I'm sorry doesn't seem quite adiquite. I just hope you can get back to normal and feeling better as soon as possible. I will light a candle for all of you.

[keladryb.livejournal.com]

I feel compelled to comment, despite knowing and talking and IMing and... yeah. I just want to reiterate: anytime, anything, anywhere. I'm here for you and for your brother. Be it casseroles and Easy Mac or a ride somewhere or a shoulder to cry on or something else all together, I'm just a phonecall or IM away.

[dragonessasmith.livejournal.com]

I'm so, so, so, so sorry...I don't know what else to say. *Hugs*

[biichan.livejournal.com]

Oh god.

I don't know what to say.

[deslea.livejournal.com]

My God, Eo, I'm so sorry. I know how much you've put on hold in order to be with her and make this time easier for her - what a cruel shock, when she was on the mend, for her to be taken so suddenly.

I don't know what else to say, except try to be gentle with yourself. It's going to take a while for you to be able to re-orient yourself enough to know what to do now. Give yourself a lot of space for that.

On a practical note, do you expect that you'll have custody of your brother? From what you've told me I have trouble imagining him going to your father.

[pauraque]

Thank you.

It looks as though I will keep physical custody of my brother. Though my dad does have the legal right to take him, he's already said he wants him to stay with me. When my mom was first diagnosed, she and I and my dad had decided that it was best for my brother to stay in his school and his home instead of moving, and I think that still applies.

[fluffyllama.livejournal.com]

Ah, no. I'm so very sorry to hear that. Losing a parent is such a terrible shock even if you are expecting it, and these circumstances are so very unfair. You have both been in my thoughts even though I've not felt able to comment before.

[spican.livejournal.com]

Oh, Eo. I'm more sorry than I can express. You'll be in my thoughts. Love and a big hug to you.

[threeoranges.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry this has happened. *hug* You and she are in my thoughts.

[bruno-greengras.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear this.
Wish there was something I could say or do, but you know -there isn't... not really. Just wanted to give my condolences to you and your family.