Candy Is Dandy challenge fic.

[pauraque_bk]

I'd almost forgotten that I signed up for scribbulus_ink's Candy Is Dandy challenge until she mentioned it today. I drew Remus Lupin and pumpkin pasties.

G, Remus & Peter, 530 words.


Sweet and Twenty

That change in the air as Remus gets up onto the train -- just as it ever was. Cold, grainy smoke out on the platform, then suddenly the warm windless inside of the carriage, close around his ears. He lifts up his briefcase to squeeze past the witch pushing the cart, and the sugar and spice of fresh pumpkin pasties clouds his nose and mouth. He used to like them, but now the smell cloys. Children have such sweet tastes.

He remembers the first one he ever had. That first time on the train when he was eleven, with rowdy boys pounding up and down the aisle and banging against his shoulder as they passed -- what a relief to find that near-empty compartment, that boy who was so eager to share his sweets. Peter. Mouth full of chocolate and half-hushed chatter. Frowning earnestly, scratching his neck as he told Remus how he'd seen that boy with the stringy hair torturing a mouse behind a pillar on the platform. Asking Remus if he didn't want another toffee.

Remus slams his case harder than necessary onto the luggage rack, and sits down below. Crowd's starting to gather, he sees out the window. Mothers fussing, children shoving. Remus props his elbow against the glass and rubs his eyes.

He could almost believe it's all been a long daydream, that he'll look round and Peter will be there, eleven and alive and plump face turned in his puzzled frown. Back before they'd even met James, before James at mouthed off at Professor Merrythought for scolding Peter-- That day, that was the first time Remus ever saw Peter smile. It was only when James was around that he did.

There's a muffled thud somewhere down the train -- putting something heavy aboard -- and the carriage sways faintly. Remus shivers, and pulls his cloak tighter around himself, sinks down into the plush upholstered seat. This time of the month, there's a trickle of ice that lives inside his bones; the warmth of the train only makes his skin feel feverish.

When Remus was ill, Peter used to look at him with worry, not suspicion. Sat cross-legged on the edge of Remus's bed and talked of sicknesses he'd read about in books, things he was afraid of catching. Are you sneezing? Could be plague if you're sneezing. Lay down next to him one night when James and Sirius (god, Sirius) were off on a prowl, and that sugary breath of Peter's whispered how afraid he was of dying. Remus just stared up at the rich red-dark bedcurtains, and didn't know what to say.

Shouts and childish laughter are coming louder through the walls, footfalls and sliding doors that Remus feels more than hears. He closes his eyes and lets his cheek rest against his shoulder. His head is starting to hurt, but he didn't think to bring anything for it. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter as if to push out the pain.

When he thinks of how afraid Peter was of dying, Remus can't believe he didn't leave a ghost.

The compartment door slides open. There's a pause.

'Who d'you reckon he is?'

'Professor R. J. Lupin,' a girl's voice whispers.

end.


Feedback is always welcome!


Here's last year's entry, which I also managed to make into something about Peter. Everything's about Peter, didn't you hear?

Comments

[atrata.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is utterly gorgeous. I'd pick out a line, but I love them all. :)

[pauraque]

Thank you very much! Btw, I really like your icon. :)

[typicrobots.livejournal.com]

That was gorgeous.

and that sugary breath of Peter's whispered how afraid he was of dying.
That just broke my heart.

[pauraque]

Thank you. Compliments always mean a lot coming from you, since your writing is so lovely. :*

[misentropic.livejournal.com]

That was excellent. You're very good at getting character across with relatively few words.

[pauraque]

Thank you -- that's what I always try for!

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

Just nodding enthusiastically in admiration here -- this is so carefully, intricately put together in a way that's just right. I love the way the smells and senses trigger the memories, and the way the memories are so smoothly integrated with the routine moments of boarding the train, finding a seat. And of course the memories themselves hint quietly and perfectly at the themes of PoA; they credibly fix Remus' character at the opening of that story at the same time that they foreshadow Peter's fate. And "(god, Sirius)"

"How afraid he was of dying" is a nice indirect allusion to Peter's fascination with Voldemort, and it doesn't come out of nowhere, it's grounded in Peter's funny, innocently morbid hypochondria and his comment about "having the plague," which in turn has a perfect childish tone to it. I really love your instinct for details that reverberate, and the understated way you put them all together.

The very end feels like -- you're hammering shut an ending. We know who Remus is, after all, and what the context is and what happens next, so the scene feels a bit like a shout-out. Actually a part of me would have loved to see Remus' first reaction to James' son and to Ron and Scabbers, though that would have been a different story I guess. Alternately, it might have ended with the approaching footsteps and laughter and the "ghost" reference? But I'm not sure of my reaction here, it's just a thought to bounce off you.

Anyway, wonderful stuff, as always. :)

[pauraque]

I wasn't sure if I wanted the last three lines or not. I did want to suggest the connecting-up with the larger story, but maybe it wasn't necessary to do it so blatantly. (To be honest, part of me just wanted to be sure that everyone would know what was going on in the fic, but I don't really like to write "down" to people just because there's the occasional person who doesn't read carefully.)

Of course you're right that I was trying to connect it to Voldemort, and I'm thrilled that that came through!

I truly appreciate you taking the time to give such thoughtful and honest feedback. You're one in a million.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

Are you sneezing? Could be plague if you're sneezing.

This piece just gets quieter and quieter, the seeping in of all those memories joined by the future great misadventures of R. J. Lupin. So, so, lovely.

[pauraque]

It's thanks to you that I bothered to finish it, so go you! I think I just needed a wee bit of encouragement.

[ani-bester.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was just amainzling gut wrenching. Fics that have Remus thinking about Peter during his term as a prof are always so sad to me. I think this is kinda better reaminder of how awful what Peter did was even more so than Sirius's ranting and screaming.

I loved your imagery, especially with the sweets. it worked very well as a connecting image without being overdone.

Btw, because you mentioned Peter as a ghost (an idea which I love and have liek three unifinished fics about and shoudl jsut give up and draw it) I would swear there was a Peter as a Ghost fic at one point. You don't be chance happen to know anything about it do you?

[pauraque]

Thank you!

I can't remember ever reading a ghost!Peter fic, no. Which is weird, in a way, since we know ghosts are people who didn't want to face death, so logically there should be plenty of Death Eater ghosts around.

[gmth.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's lovely. It never fails to amaze me the way you bring Peter alive and make him a sympathetic character. And so skillfully, too. Wonderful job. :-)

[pauraque]

Heh, what can I say, he just speaks to me. *g* Thank you very much!

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

This was so wonderful! And good for you making something about Peter, who fit in believably with the others. I love the way you use Peter's fear of death. It doesn't hit you over the head with the future, but it's brilliant the way we can see it going both ways--the way Remus understands Peter in this scene and the way he really was. It's something canon does so well, but in canon it's the facts that are the surprise. This is what's so great about fanfic is the way it can pause and re-visit things we already know and make us think about them.

I think my favorite image was Peter's sugary breath. That's just so...::shivers:: I can smell it!

[pauraque]

This is what's so great about fanfic is the way it can pause and re-visit things we already know and make us think about them.

V. true. You can take any moment, any concept, and linger on it as long as you like, really dig in and find out what makes it work.

Thank you muchly. *hugs*

[sidra]

very nice! we tend to forget that Peter was their friend, long before he was a traitor.

[pauraque]

Thank you. :)

[justjanuary.livejournal.com]

Hi. I just wanted to leave a note saying that I've added your story to my rec list (http://www.livejournal.com/users/justjanuary/69140.html) I'm rather bad about leaving reviews, but I thought you might like to know I'd read your story and really enjoyed it.