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smutmas_elves reveal, so I guess I can share my crackfic with the rest of the world now. ^_^
Title: Santa Claus Conquers the Malfoys
Author: Eodrakken (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pauraque)
Rating: PG
Warnings: Meta-crack. Requires fandom context to make sense. :D
Notes: Forgmth, in honor of her tireless efforts to make merry_smutmas the most pr0ntastic holiday celebration in town!
+
Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy were enjoying a blessedly quiet Christmas Eve at home when the owl arrived. Its beak rapped urgently at the window, closed against the winter chill; Lucius charmed it open long enough for the bird to flap over and perch on the arm of the sofa where they sat, shaking off a quantity of crisp new snow.
Lucius sighed in annoyance as he brushed the flakes off his robes and retrieved the folded envelope from the leg of the owl, who glanced away innocently.
'Who is it from, dear?' Narcissa asked, wetting the tip of her quill in preparation to do the Prophet crossword.
'It appears to be from your son,' Lucius said archly, recognising the rather girlish handwriting at once.
'Oh? And what does your son have to say for himself?'
They shared a mirrored, wry smile, and then Lucius cleared his throat and read aloud:
Dear Father,
I trust you are having a passable Christmas. Enclosed please find my gift to Mother.
He turned the packet upside-down and shook out two serpent-shaped jade earrings onto his palm.
'A tad predictable,' he said as he passed them to his wife.
'Is it normal, do you think, for a boy his age to be so interested in jewelry?' Narcissa asked absently.
Lucius read on:
For my own part, I find December to be a distressing month.
December before last, I found myself quite suddenly subjected to the attentions of various males of my acquaintance, including classmates, teachers, creatures, and members of the family. My youth at the time did not seem to deter them, but if anything incited them all the more. Curiously, everything seemed to return to normal shortly afterwards.
Last year, the same phenomenon occurred, and in fact these attentions seemed to redouble in number and enthusiasm.
I have been whipped, paddled, collared, gagged, chained, wanked, fucked, sucked, impregnated, and shut up in a dungeon on two separate occasions. It has put a severe damper on my ability to enjoy the holidays.
'And to think,' Narcissa remarked, not looking up from the paper, 'you wanted to send him to Durmstrang.'
Lucius sipped his tea. 'I shouldn't think there would be much left of him by this time if we had.'
He continued:
It seems to me that this must have all been arranged by someone who is quite clever and does not like me very much. I can only assume that it is you.
That is why, this month, I have made sure to be far away from England, so that I will no longer be subject to unwanted advances two, three, or even four times in a day. Who has the time for it?
Please don't attempt to locate me, as you will find it impossible. I shall return to school in January.
Happy Christmas,
Draco
'I shouldn't worry,' Lucius said as he folded the letter up again. 'Whatever he thinks, I expect they will find him.'
'Really, Lucius, it is too bad of you,' Narcissa said in mock reproach.
'Not at all. Draco's yearly torment is in the charge of a power even greater than myself.'
Narcissa's lips curved into an interested smile, but she did not press further.
'There is no reply,' he said to the owl, who had not left its perch. 'But stay a moment.'
Narcissa put the paper aside with a sigh and leaned her head upon her husband's shoulder. 'You are a peculiar person, my pet.'
'It's a peculiar world.'
And they shared a kiss before she retired to bed.
Though he intended to follow, Lucius first got out a fresh sheet of parchment, and wrote:
Dearest Mme H.,
Many thanks for another year.
Regards,
Lucius Malfoy
And once the owl had been sent back into the snow, he proceeded to his bedroom, wondering with interest whom he would find there tonight.
the end.
smutmas_elves reveal, so I guess I can share my crackfic with the rest of the world now. ^_^Title: Santa Claus Conquers the Malfoys
Author: Eodrakken (
pauraque)Rating: PG
Warnings: Meta-crack. Requires fandom context to make sense. :D
Notes: For
gmth, in honor of her tireless efforts to make merry_smutmas the most pr0ntastic holiday celebration in town!+
Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy were enjoying a blessedly quiet Christmas Eve at home when the owl arrived. Its beak rapped urgently at the window, closed against the winter chill; Lucius charmed it open long enough for the bird to flap over and perch on the arm of the sofa where they sat, shaking off a quantity of crisp new snow.
Lucius sighed in annoyance as he brushed the flakes off his robes and retrieved the folded envelope from the leg of the owl, who glanced away innocently.
'Who is it from, dear?' Narcissa asked, wetting the tip of her quill in preparation to do the Prophet crossword.
'It appears to be from your son,' Lucius said archly, recognising the rather girlish handwriting at once.
'Oh? And what does your son have to say for himself?'
They shared a mirrored, wry smile, and then Lucius cleared his throat and read aloud:
Dear Father,
I trust you are having a passable Christmas. Enclosed please find my gift to Mother.
He turned the packet upside-down and shook out two serpent-shaped jade earrings onto his palm.
'A tad predictable,' he said as he passed them to his wife.
'Is it normal, do you think, for a boy his age to be so interested in jewelry?' Narcissa asked absently.
Lucius read on:
For my own part, I find December to be a distressing month.
December before last, I found myself quite suddenly subjected to the attentions of various males of my acquaintance, including classmates, teachers, creatures, and members of the family. My youth at the time did not seem to deter them, but if anything incited them all the more. Curiously, everything seemed to return to normal shortly afterwards.
Last year, the same phenomenon occurred, and in fact these attentions seemed to redouble in number and enthusiasm.
I have been whipped, paddled, collared, gagged, chained, wanked, fucked, sucked, impregnated, and shut up in a dungeon on two separate occasions. It has put a severe damper on my ability to enjoy the holidays.
'And to think,' Narcissa remarked, not looking up from the paper, 'you wanted to send him to Durmstrang.'
Lucius sipped his tea. 'I shouldn't think there would be much left of him by this time if we had.'
He continued:
It seems to me that this must have all been arranged by someone who is quite clever and does not like me very much. I can only assume that it is you.
That is why, this month, I have made sure to be far away from England, so that I will no longer be subject to unwanted advances two, three, or even four times in a day. Who has the time for it?
Please don't attempt to locate me, as you will find it impossible. I shall return to school in January.
Happy Christmas,
Draco
'I shouldn't worry,' Lucius said as he folded the letter up again. 'Whatever he thinks, I expect they will find him.'
'Really, Lucius, it is too bad of you,' Narcissa said in mock reproach.
'Not at all. Draco's yearly torment is in the charge of a power even greater than myself.'
Narcissa's lips curved into an interested smile, but she did not press further.
'There is no reply,' he said to the owl, who had not left its perch. 'But stay a moment.'
Narcissa put the paper aside with a sigh and leaned her head upon her husband's shoulder. 'You are a peculiar person, my pet.'
'It's a peculiar world.'
And they shared a kiss before she retired to bed.
Though he intended to follow, Lucius first got out a fresh sheet of parchment, and wrote:
Dearest Mme H.,
Many thanks for another year.
Regards,
Lucius Malfoy
And once the owl had been sent back into the snow, he proceeded to his bedroom, wondering with interest whom he would find there tonight.
the end.
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-08 08:14 am (UTC)I stand by my assertion that there is nothing funnier than a Slytherin being stripped of his dignity.
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Date: 2006-01-08 09:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-08 12:45 pm (UTC)I love the general tone of wounded dignity of Draco, and Lucius and Narcissa's cold comment.
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Date: 2006-01-08 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-08 03:21 pm (UTC)W00t!
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Date: 2006-01-08 10:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-08 04:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-08 10:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-08 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-08 10:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-09 11:32 am (UTC)