no no no no no.

Some of you know that I've been living with my mom and my brother, and some of you know why -- she was diagnosed with breast cancer in May 2003. I've posted about her treatment occasionally since then, mostly friends-locked, and I've been comforted by the kind wishes my fandom friends and acquaintances have offered, and the experiences some have shared.

My mom's treatment ended quite recently, and she was considered to be free of cancer for the moment. However, she was born with a congenital heart defect which was exacerbated by the cancer treatment that was necessary to save her life.

Today, in the early afternoon, my mom went into cardiac arrest. Paramedics tried to revive her, and then brought her to the hospital where doctors worked on her again. They couldn't get a rhythm. They couldn't save her.

It would have happened instantly, they said. Her heart stopped, she fell down dead. Painless. Nothing to be done. The last time I saw her, she was sitting on the couch watching TV in her pajamas. She was 58. For those who don't know, I'm 21. Because of her cancer, I can't say I hadn't thought of her death... but I never thought of it like this.

It's impossible for me to express what I'm feeling right now, so I won't try. But here... I hope these entries might give some inkling of what a brilliant, fannish, sardonically funny, loved person she was:

Mom analyzes the PoA movie

Mom takes on RPS (when I say I was "visiting" her, I mean in the hospital the day after surgery -- can you believe she was already joking?)

The day of her surgery (used to be friends-locked. more about me than her, I guess.)

Frightening times ahead. I may be somewhat absent, but I don't plan to leave... I'm going to need some things to stay the same so that I don't completely lose my mind.

bowdlerized: I'm going to try to do your beta as I said I would, as a means of distracting myself. But if I feel like I can't or I'm not doing a good job, I'll email you saying so tonight so that you can still make the deadline.

no no no no no.

Some of you know that I've been living with my mom and my brother, and some of you know why -- she was diagnosed with breast cancer in May 2003. I've posted about her treatment occasionally since then, mostly friends-locked, and I've been comforted by the kind wishes my fandom friends and acquaintances have offered, and the experiences some have shared.

My mom's treatment ended quite recently, and she was considered to be free of cancer for the moment. However, she was born with a congenital heart defect which was exacerbated by the cancer treatment that was necessary to save her life.

Today, in the early afternoon, my mom went into cardiac arrest. Paramedics tried to revive her, and then brought her to the hospital where doctors worked on her again. They couldn't get a rhythm. They couldn't save her.

It would have happened instantly, they said. Her heart stopped, she fell down dead. Painless. Nothing to be done. The last time I saw her, she was sitting on the couch watching TV in her pajamas. She was 58. For those who don't know, I'm 21. Because of her cancer, I can't say I hadn't thought of her death... but I never thought of it like this.

It's impossible for me to express what I'm feeling right now, so I won't try. But here... I hope these entries might give some inkling of what a brilliant, fannish, sardonically funny, loved person she was:

Mom analyzes the PoA movie

Mom takes on RPS (when I say I was "visiting" her, I mean in the hospital the day after surgery -- can you believe she was already joking?)

The day of her surgery (used to be friends-locked. more about me than her, I guess.)

Frightening times ahead. I may be somewhat absent, but I don't plan to leave... I'm going to need some things to stay the same so that I don't completely lose my mind.

bowdlerized: I'm going to try to do your beta as I said I would, as a means of distracting myself. But if I feel like I can't or I'm not doing a good job, I'll email you saying so tonight so that you can still make the deadline.