and again I will post

[pauraque_bk]

I get that a lot of people moved off LJ, so there isn't exactly a home to return to, but if nothing had changed I'd probably be less likely to post at all. As I said in the past, my LJ was basically performative, in that I wrote what (I thought) people wanted to read. Not that I wrote anything I didn't want to say, but there were also many things I wanted to say that I did not think would be interesting, so I didn't write them.

Coming back here has made me think about how differently I am perceived in WoW than I was in fandom, and hence how differently I now perceive myself. I think... i THINK most people in fandom liked me and thought I was nice, provided they thought anything about me at all. I had certain personal enemies, and certain people who hated pornish_pixies, but my reputation as a whole was good-ish, yeah?

The group of people I play with in WoW... some of them I've known since I first started playing, which was a couple of years ago. I think on the whole they like me, but I do not think ANY of them consider me "nice". In fact they consider me bossy and bitchy, but for some reason that's okay with them.

I probably do behave differently now, and that may be because I tried to align myself with the dominant mode of operation in my part of fandom, which condemned overt aggression in most contexts. Which isn't to say that gaming turned me mean, I think I am mean. I just used to suppress it in public.

In gaming, where voice chat is ubiquitous, it's a lot harder to conceal your gut reactions to things. There certainly were many moments in fandom where I saw someone being dumb, and I probably said something nasty to the screen. But they could not actually hear me. In text-only environments it is easy to take this for granted.

It's not just words either, it's tone too. I've attempted to "sound nice" and failed utterly, no matter what I say it sounds sarcastic and ugly, or at best blank and bored. Sometimes in voice chat someone is using a weird mic setup and you occasionally hear an echo back of your own voice, I'm always amazed at what I sound like.

There have been a few different times where it was pointed out to me that I came off this way, and sadly I probably wouldn't have figured it out on my own. There was one point where a few of us were discussing whether we would be able to merge with another group on a permanent basis, and the group leader very tactfully said, "I don't think it would work, because there are people in our group who are bossy, and we understand what they mean by it but it wouldn't go over very well with others."

I said, "What do you mean? There aren't any bossy people in our group." I considered each of the members. And then: "Since I don't know who you're talking about, you must mean me."

Well, yes, but they went on to insist that they like me the way I am and raiding would be so boring without all the things I say. Not really that comforting, actually.

But I guess what most comes to mind is that thing we used to say about Snape -- he's good but not nice. No one has ever claimed that i DO things that are negative or harmful to others, and in fact I get a lot of praise for my playing, dedication, helpfulness, that sort of thing. Oh he'll help you, he's always game, just don't expect him to blow flowers and kittens out his ass while he does it, what a 'tude on that guy.

The other thing that comes to mind is someone else in our guild who has an attitude that is very bizarre and sarcastic. At one point he had made some strange comment to another person in voice chat, who quite bluntly replied, "Hey man, why you talkin' to me like that?"

Immediate answer: "Because I like you and I feel comfortable with you."

Probably a lot of people have been dismayed to realize that the more comfortable I am, the less I censor myself, and the less pleasant I become. So actually when I overtly berate and torment people, it means I like them. If I didn't, I would keep it to myself.

Thus if everyone in my guild thinks I'm a bitch, I must love them all! And I do! Dear god the system works! Or at least it makes an extremely convenient excuse!

But I did like fandom, I just rarely allowed myself to be comfortable with it. There were times when I made rambling/emotional LJ posts, but I felt bad and exposed afterwards, because I was trying to put forth something specific, and lapses of that felt like failure.

So what's the summary here, my fandom behavior was performative and my gaming behavior is expressive. And that is why I would never have made a post like this while I was in fandom, and while fandom as I knew it still existed.

Comments

[threeoranges.livejournal.com]

Probably a lot of people have been dismayed to realize that the more comfortable I am, the less I censor myself, and the less pleasant I become. So actually when I overtly berate and torment people, it means I like them. If I didn't, I would keep it to myself.

Can SO relate, save that in my case it's an irrational belief that if I like someone, it means I can be honest about my less attractive qualities to them and they'll understand! Too late, I find that all I've done is rupture taboos and make myself unacceptable ;)

I really should shut up - but I love a juicy discussion...

[pauraque]

I probably do that too. But I think what causes more of a problem is that when I don't like someone I just clam up, which more often than not leads them to believe I do like them. I can say to my friends, "You're being dumb at the moment and should know better," but can't say to my unfriends, "You're dumb all the time and in fact go away forever".

[wolfie-thu.livejournal.com]

That's part of the reason I like lj and text conversations in general; it makes it much easier to disguise your overwhelming rage, contempt, and bitchiness with a few well placed smilies.

I always thought you had a rather cantankerous side. Which I like.

[pauraque]

Well see, maybe people in fandom didn't think I was that nice after all! Maybe THEY were just too nice to tell me otherwise. Or preferred to discuss it behind my back.

But I sort of like the posturing and hostility in the gaming world. At least if someone is screaming that you're a noob and ought to die in a fire, you know where you stand with them.

[kaptainsnot.livejournal.com]

Man, I completely understand this. I just started posting here and there again, and have been thinking about this quite a bit. I co-founded Immeritus (Sirius Black fan club thing) years and years ago, and basically for the four or five years that I gave it my time as an "officer", I was known as that person who made newbies cry. If someone needed the boot, I would do it. If someone was annoying, I would pull them out. In my case, I was surprised at first, though afterward mostly confused as to the reason. Now I know -- it's because Immeritus was home, and I basically loved everyone there that wasn't a moron. My sarcasm was welcome, and everyone liked me anyway. And so I was a little impatient with the slower ones, but hey, I looked out for the pack.

On LJ, I'm a bumbling, pleasantish..maker of doodles. Because I draw, and I figure that's what LJ fandom wants. I don't bother with the other stuff, because I found a two-way link through fanart and people who love it, so what do I need the rest of me for?

Not that I wrote anything I didn't want to say, but there were also many things I wanted to say that I did not think would be interesting, so I didn't write them.

Exactly. Anyway, I wanted to mention that I always did see you as nice, though also..in a way, the sort of nice that runs deep, but that doesn't take bullshit.

[pauraque]

I can relate. I hope people see me as "looking out for the pack", because that's the way I feel about it. I wouldn't get worked up if I didn't care, I'd just shrug and leave it alone. In fact that's when I knew I was done with my old guild... when I no longer had any desire to complain about the problems. I don't complain if I've given up on making things better!

Fandom can be that way, where you perform your art/fic/discussion/whatever and keep "the rest" out of it. I tried to do fandom that way. But I also believe -- and I remember telling Switchknife this -- that whatever you produce puts forth SOMETHING of yourself, and it is still you and still real even if it is just a limited part.

[asphodeline.livejournal.com]

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. It probably also explains why relationships can foul up when you start to relax into a friendship and start becoming more yourself. At least, that's my experience. The more sarcastic I get, the more I like the object of my sarcasm!

[pauraque]

Yep. When you first meet a person you're careful to be nice, of course. I think it was Miss Manners who said we ought to treat our close family members as well as we treat strangers. :P

[exbentley]

Oh no, absolutely. I've always mixed fandom and real life, and my rl-ers have always expressed shock that I'm such a seemingly pleasant person in text when they know me as such a brassy bitch. But it's the ability to censor oneself in text, and the necessary politeness that fandom generates if you don't want to end up on f_w. I've never been amazing at social-relations or filtering my speech according to the mores of society, and being able to have some extra time to think about how I want to express myself means a world of difference between my online persona and what I'm like in a real room full of friends.

Personally I always saw you as someone who would not tolerate idiocy, which is often a fairly intimidating persona to interact with, but you were also kind-hearted in a lot of ways. And very, very intelligent. I don't think I ever saw you as overtly bossy or aggressive - maybe sarcastic, occasionally condescending, but never the kind of bitch you say people perceive you as in WoW. So I guess it's interesting to know that that was as a result of your self-censorship. I definitely see a lot of Snape in you. I admired you a lot, too, but that's just me. :)

[pauraque]

the necessary politeness that fandom generates if you don't want to end up on f_w

I think once I made a post suggesting that f_w can be considered beneficial to fandom for exactly this reason: it deters some fans from grossly ridiculous public behavior. Not everyone liked that idea. :)

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I'm trying to think of what my impression of you was before...I thought I always thought "nice" in that you were basically a reasonable person who didn't get off on being mean to people. But never a wuss.

[pauraque]

But I do feel kind of wussy when I have to deal with people I don't like. I usually back down from real confrontations with icky people.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

I really wish you would post this to the guild, or at least to a few choice people, but that's obviously a personal decision.

For some reason, those who have "perky" or cheerful sounded voices sound a little more false to me... even if I'm sure it's not the case. Or sometimes people who don't speak at all (omg adam!), I find it hard to get a read on them because I can't make my own assumptions by their tone of voice.

So actually when I overtly berate and torment people, it means I like them. <3

[pauraque]

I don't see what you want me to tell them. Everyone involved understands that this is the way I am. What's to tell?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

Because I don't think everyone involved understands. I'm having a difficult time explaining why without getting overly td;lr, but I'm just saying you might be surprised.

[pauraque]

If people are talking about how annoying I am behind my back, that will not surprise me.

[millefiori.livejournal.com]

You know, I think I got a lot of insight into this when you did your call-my-work-voicemail experiment back in the day. Your LJ persona was always cool and reasonable and polite, so I was somewhat surprised at how much of an edge your spoken voice revealed.

I can also relate to censoring myself in posts, but it's not so much because I think people might not want to read it as it is thinking it's too revealing and not wanting to publicly expose so much of this or that about myself.

[pauraque]

Yeah, it's my tone of voice. I could be wrong about this, but I think it's something that developed during my gender transition, trying to put on some kind of gruff demeanor because I thought it would help me pass. At least that's my recollection. I don't think there are recordings of my voice from longer ago than that so it would be hard to check.