Fic a Week 8 - You Ruined Everything

[pauraque_bk]

I woke up this morning and had this fully-formed in my head; maybe I dreamed it? Good thing too, since I had written absolutely zilch otherwise.

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You Ruined Everything


She wakes up in the dry dark night, and it is crying again. James is already gone from her side; she can hear the low soothing tones of his voice from the other room, in the breath-spaces between jagged wails. Blaring calls that mean nothing to her except milk leaking in evolutionary sympathy from her sore breasts. She lies still and exhausted, staring up at the ceiling, letting her shirt get wet with it.

Through her painful vagina (or "birth canal" as they said, as though her vagina wasn't what it was), this creature came, leaving her hollowed-out and empty. And it is nothing but raw unshaped need -- it isn't done, put it back, oh god. Why can't people be like a newborn colt, standing up on shaky wet-furred legs after an hour or so, ready to run with the herd.

At last the baby's cries sob to a halt, and James shuffles back into the room. He sees her awake, but doesn't say anything. He gets back into bed and rolls over.

She cannot go back to sleep, so she slips away and takes the broom out. Up and up, soaring around the dead new-moon sky, wind howling in her ears and her breasts and cunt aching. This is what she thought of, when they told her she was going to be a witch: A glorious hag, free and against the world, against dullness and normalcy.

She sails over Godric's Hollow, and she thinks about not going back. Escaping somewhere safe and away from this, away from the hands of death that constantly threaten, and away from grasping baby arms that try to cling to her neck and her body. Her body...

She comes back into the house with her face numb, hair full of wind. The house now feels even smaller, dark and closed-in.

She goes into the baby's room, and he is quiet. She's surprised when she looks down and his eyes are open. She wants to see some kind of intention to it -- perhaps a smile of wickedness, some ken of what he's done to her. He only yawns, unformed, like an animal.

She sits down heavily in the chair, slumps down.

"I would have been fine without you," she admits to the silent room.

They look at each other through the bars of the cot, and he... he looks so trusting.

When Harry looks at her, he never looks afraid.

.

Comments

[tekalynn.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. *impressed*

[pauraque]

Thank you. :)

[maidenjedi]

Wow. That's intense. Thank you for sharing it!!

[pauraque]

Thanks for reading. ♥

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

Having a baby in the middle of a war is such a dangerous thing to do, and Lily's fear and bone-deep anger is very powerful here, especially in the face of Harry's fearless trust.

[pauraque]

Thank you. I think I read a fic with a not-dissimilar perspective on Lily a loooooong time ago, when I first got into the fandom, and it always colored my perception of her a little.

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

Bravo! This is wonderful on its own terms, a compelling and convincing Lily. And in meta terms, a wonderful reassertion of Lily as a person and not everyone else's Madonna figure. A glorious hag, free and against the world, against dullness and normalcy. Yes, indeed. :)

[pauraque]

It's a black_dog! How have you been?

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

Hey, you! Not bad -- lots of RL changes I may post about at some point. Occasionally wandering in around here, but not enough. It's nice to pop in to something like this ficlet. I hope you're hanging in there.

[pauraque]

I am, if only by my pinkies at times. :) I look forward to such a post if you choose to make it!

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

*extends pinky, as I am personally holding on by my toes*

[idlerat.livejournal.com]

*waves to the black_dog* Hi!

And Eo - wow, I really LOVE this. I love that she flies. She gets on her broom and flies! When she feels like such shit and her crotch aches!

happy fucking mother's day. This rocks.

[pauraque]

Thanks! My thoughts on motherhood are perhaps not *quite* as embittered as the fic suggests, but... let's just say Happy Queer Girlfriends Day. :D

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

*waves to the ratty rat* Hey, yourself!

[vikingcarrot.livejournal.com]

I like this idea of Lily. I could never, ever reconcile the idea of Lily hating James yet somehow marrying him like 3 years later, having a baby during a war and happily sacrificing herself for him. It just doesn't seem right at all. So I like seeing her written as troubled and confused, and unhappy with events.

[pauraque]

Yeah, I'm totally with you. The way Lily is handled in canon is really bothersome, she becomes just an object, a plot device, for Voldie and Harry and at last Snape. It's icky.