Fic a Week 35, Nano excerpt 3
Nov. 16th, 2009 12:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pauraque_bkOh snap, I failed last night. No words, so now I'm a day behind at 23,401. I think I can catch up today, though.
++
She logs on automatically, almost without knowing it. People are in the main park, immediately on her, asking if she wants to do a dungeon crawl, asking where she has been the last few days.
Not right now, she types, and moves out of the room. Keeps walking, off towards the bar, not really knowing where she's going, just not wanting anyone to follow her.
Then a whisper:
Brach: hai
Revona: hi
Brach: what's the matter?
Robin hesitates, her fingers poised over the keys. What is the matter? Someone actually cares. But what can she say? She is still standing on the road, and someone she doesn't know comes into the room, then passes on.
Revona: My best friend IRL tried to kill herself
She types it very softly; it is the first time she has admitted it, has said it to anyone but the empty air.
Brach: shit. is she ok?
Revona: I think so. Her dad is a doctor and he said she would be okay, so I guess I believe it.
Brach: why did she do it?
Revona: I'm not sure. The day before she seemed totally fine. I was at her house and she was talking about going to college and maybe taking a road trip over the summer. I had no idea anything was wrong, or wronger than usual.
Tears are trickling down Robin's face as she is typing, no sobs, just the water. She brushes them aside with her sleeve as they reach her lips, but she is so glad for them.
Brach: my aunt killed herself
She hesitates. This is the most Brach has ever said about his real life. But then, she supposes this is the most she has said about her real life too.
Revona: Recently?
Brach: no, it was a long time ago. she hung herself. I think she was manic depressive, so there wasn't any reason exactly. she just went off her meds and didn't tell anybody. she didn't even leave a suicide note
Revona: My friend might be manic depressive. I don't know. She seemed happier for a few days before it happened.
Brach: isn't that kind of typical? once they decide to die, they're not depressed anymore because they found the answer to their problems
Revona: I don't know, maybe. Right before, she gave me a bunch of her stuff, like she knew she was going to be gone
Brach: *nod* i think that's pretty much what happens if they really want to die. if it's just a cry for help type of thing, then they want it to not work, so they won't try to tie up the loose ends
There is a pause. Her sweatshirt sleeves are damp now, but the knot in her stomach that's been there since school has loosened. She is smiling, though she would not be able to give a name to why.
Brach: I've thought about killing myself before, but I don't think I would do it, I'm too stubborn lol
Brach: I wouldn't want to give the people who fucked me over the satisfaction
Revona: There have been times I've thought about it, I guess
She doesn't know that she was even conscious of that until she's typed it. Wanting to destroy herself, her body. Feelings of no hope. She continues quickly, not wanting to scare him, stumbling over the words a little.
Revona: If I knew there were no chance of things ever getting better, maybe I would do it, but I think I have a plan for the future that will make it worth while to keep going.
After hitting enter she wishes for a tense minute that she hadn't. This is the closest she has ever come to telling anyone online that she is not a girl already, and she is afraid that he is going to ask follow up questions, and that she will not be able to lie.
Brach: that's good. teach me your ways
Revona: Haha
Brach: so I guess this explains why you haven't been around
She relaxes-- he isn't going to press it. He never would.
Revona: Not really. This just happened today.
Brach: oh lol, well tell people it happened before. they were all pissy you weren't at the meeting and then you didn't come on at all yesterday
Revona: oh em gee, is it my job to come online every day?
Brach: you know how it is. you usually come on every day so now they expect it, whereas if you always flaked out like some people, then no one would give a shit
Revona: true facts.
Brach: this is why I'm never good. it just raises expectations.
Brach whispers: just tell them someone irl almost died, they'll understand
A beat passes.
Brach: and if they don't, fuck 'em.
++
She logs on automatically, almost without knowing it. People are in the main park, immediately on her, asking if she wants to do a dungeon crawl, asking where she has been the last few days.
Not right now, she types, and moves out of the room. Keeps walking, off towards the bar, not really knowing where she's going, just not wanting anyone to follow her.
Then a whisper:
Brach: hai
Revona: hi
Brach: what's the matter?
Robin hesitates, her fingers poised over the keys. What is the matter? Someone actually cares. But what can she say? She is still standing on the road, and someone she doesn't know comes into the room, then passes on.
Revona: My best friend IRL tried to kill herself
She types it very softly; it is the first time she has admitted it, has said it to anyone but the empty air.
Brach: shit. is she ok?
Revona: I think so. Her dad is a doctor and he said she would be okay, so I guess I believe it.
Brach: why did she do it?
Revona: I'm not sure. The day before she seemed totally fine. I was at her house and she was talking about going to college and maybe taking a road trip over the summer. I had no idea anything was wrong, or wronger than usual.
Tears are trickling down Robin's face as she is typing, no sobs, just the water. She brushes them aside with her sleeve as they reach her lips, but she is so glad for them.
Brach: my aunt killed herself
She hesitates. This is the most Brach has ever said about his real life. But then, she supposes this is the most she has said about her real life too.
Revona: Recently?
Brach: no, it was a long time ago. she hung herself. I think she was manic depressive, so there wasn't any reason exactly. she just went off her meds and didn't tell anybody. she didn't even leave a suicide note
Revona: My friend might be manic depressive. I don't know. She seemed happier for a few days before it happened.
Brach: isn't that kind of typical? once they decide to die, they're not depressed anymore because they found the answer to their problems
Revona: I don't know, maybe. Right before, she gave me a bunch of her stuff, like she knew she was going to be gone
Brach: *nod* i think that's pretty much what happens if they really want to die. if it's just a cry for help type of thing, then they want it to not work, so they won't try to tie up the loose ends
There is a pause. Her sweatshirt sleeves are damp now, but the knot in her stomach that's been there since school has loosened. She is smiling, though she would not be able to give a name to why.
Brach: I've thought about killing myself before, but I don't think I would do it, I'm too stubborn lol
Brach: I wouldn't want to give the people who fucked me over the satisfaction
Revona: There have been times I've thought about it, I guess
She doesn't know that she was even conscious of that until she's typed it. Wanting to destroy herself, her body. Feelings of no hope. She continues quickly, not wanting to scare him, stumbling over the words a little.
Revona: If I knew there were no chance of things ever getting better, maybe I would do it, but I think I have a plan for the future that will make it worth while to keep going.
After hitting enter she wishes for a tense minute that she hadn't. This is the closest she has ever come to telling anyone online that she is not a girl already, and she is afraid that he is going to ask follow up questions, and that she will not be able to lie.
Brach: that's good. teach me your ways
Revona: Haha
Brach: so I guess this explains why you haven't been around
She relaxes-- he isn't going to press it. He never would.
Revona: Not really. This just happened today.
Brach: oh lol, well tell people it happened before. they were all pissy you weren't at the meeting and then you didn't come on at all yesterday
Revona: oh em gee, is it my job to come online every day?
Brach: you know how it is. you usually come on every day so now they expect it, whereas if you always flaked out like some people, then no one would give a shit
Revona: true facts.
Brach: this is why I'm never good. it just raises expectations.
Brach whispers: just tell them someone irl almost died, they'll understand
A beat passes.
Brach: and if they don't, fuck 'em.
