filk: Evil!Snape Sings
Dec. 10th, 2003 01:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pauraque_bk...or, "HMS Gryffindor".
*
SCENE: The Ministry of Magic. The building is dank and filled with cobwebs, and generally evil-looking.
Enter EVIL!SNAPE in a stylish black cloak, accompanied by EVIL!MINIONS.
Song to the tune of "When I was a lad I served a term" from HMS Pinafore (music by Sir Arthur Sullivan)
SNAPE:
When I was a boy I went to school
Where Dumbledore taught us all his golden rule:
"Just skive off class from nine to four
And you never will be punished -- if you're Gryffindor!"
MINIONS:
And you never will be punished if you're Gryffindor!
SNAPE:
I took to heart what I was taught,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
MINIONS:
He took to heart what he was taught, etc.
SNAPE:
Tom Riddle was like a father to me;
He taught me Cruciatus and Occlumency.
He marked me with his protective bond,
And I licked his evil boots and polished his wand.
MINIONS:
He licked his evil boots and polished his-- er... ahem, etc.
SNAPE:
I rubbed it up with oil just like I ought,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort!
MINIONS:
He rubbed it up with oil-- ah... *cough*, etc.
SNAPE:
Months passed; I grew to understand
That my Dark Lord was not a well man.
Unicorn blood was his daily snack--
And I never got to kill those wankers Potter and Black.
So I plotted hard and soon I thought
Of a plan to make the most of knowing Voldemort.
Like Saul on the road to Damascus, I
Came crawling back to school with a repentful cry:
"I've just realised killing Muggles is bad
And the Dark Lord was a poor choice as a surrogate dad."
Albus bribed a judge, and I lied in court,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
For eighteen years I bided time,
Teaching dunderheaded firsties how to brew up slime.
Made sure that I was a trusted man--
Then I poisoned Harry Potter at his final exam.
The Light flipped off at the Final Assault,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
I knocked off Lucius, Bellatrix too,
And Wormtail met his maker underneath my shoe.
In pieces Voldie's mind is rent,
And now, through him, I run a puppet government.
MINIONS:
And now, through him, he runs a puppet government!
SNAPE:
Dear Albus, here's my last retort:
I really *am* the right-hand man to Voldemort!
MINIONS:
Dear Albus, here's his last retort:
He really was the right-hand man to Voldemort!
EXEUNT, to maniacal laughter
*
And an unrelated bonus verse:
I read a slashy fic wherein
A Gryffindor banged a Slytherin,
And that Harry/Draco ship, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen;
Writing that little ship was such a good plan
That now I am a Harry Potter Big Name Fan!
*
SCENE: The Ministry of Magic. The building is dank and filled with cobwebs, and generally evil-looking.
Enter EVIL!SNAPE in a stylish black cloak, accompanied by EVIL!MINIONS.
Song to the tune of "When I was a lad I served a term" from HMS Pinafore (music by Sir Arthur Sullivan)
SNAPE:
When I was a boy I went to school
Where Dumbledore taught us all his golden rule:
"Just skive off class from nine to four
And you never will be punished -- if you're Gryffindor!"
MINIONS:
And you never will be punished if you're Gryffindor!
SNAPE:
I took to heart what I was taught,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
MINIONS:
He took to heart what he was taught, etc.
SNAPE:
Tom Riddle was like a father to me;
He taught me Cruciatus and Occlumency.
He marked me with his protective bond,
And I licked his evil boots and polished his wand.
MINIONS:
He licked his evil boots and polished his-- er... ahem, etc.
SNAPE:
I rubbed it up with oil just like I ought,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort!
MINIONS:
He rubbed it up with oil-- ah... *cough*, etc.
SNAPE:
Months passed; I grew to understand
That my Dark Lord was not a well man.
Unicorn blood was his daily snack--
And I never got to kill those wankers Potter and Black.
So I plotted hard and soon I thought
Of a plan to make the most of knowing Voldemort.
Like Saul on the road to Damascus, I
Came crawling back to school with a repentful cry:
"I've just realised killing Muggles is bad
And the Dark Lord was a poor choice as a surrogate dad."
Albus bribed a judge, and I lied in court,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
For eighteen years I bided time,
Teaching dunderheaded firsties how to brew up slime.
Made sure that I was a trusted man--
Then I poisoned Harry Potter at his final exam.
The Light flipped off at the Final Assault,
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.
I knocked off Lucius, Bellatrix too,
And Wormtail met his maker underneath my shoe.
In pieces Voldie's mind is rent,
And now, through him, I run a puppet government.
MINIONS:
And now, through him, he runs a puppet government!
SNAPE:
Dear Albus, here's my last retort:
I really *am* the right-hand man to Voldemort!
MINIONS:
Dear Albus, here's his last retort:
He really was the right-hand man to Voldemort!
EXEUNT, to maniacal laughter
*
And an unrelated bonus verse:
I read a slashy fic wherein
A Gryffindor banged a Slytherin,
And that Harry/Draco ship, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen;
Writing that little ship was such a good plan
That now I am a Harry Potter Big Name Fan!
