no no no no no.

[pauraque_bk]

Some of you know that I've been living with my mom and my brother, and some of you know why -- she was diagnosed with breast cancer in May 2003. I've posted about her treatment occasionally since then, mostly friends-locked, and I've been comforted by the kind wishes my fandom friends and acquaintances have offered, and the experiences some have shared.

My mom's treatment ended quite recently, and she was considered to be free of cancer for the moment. However, she was born with a congenital heart defect which was exacerbated by the cancer treatment that was necessary to save her life.

Today, in the early afternoon, my mom went into cardiac arrest. Paramedics tried to revive her, and then brought her to the hospital where doctors worked on her again. They couldn't get a rhythm. They couldn't save her.

It would have happened instantly, they said. Her heart stopped, she fell down dead. Painless. Nothing to be done. The last time I saw her, she was sitting on the couch watching TV in her pajamas. She was 58. For those who don't know, I'm 21. Because of her cancer, I can't say I hadn't thought of her death... but I never thought of it like this.

It's impossible for me to express what I'm feeling right now, so I won't try. But here... I hope these entries might give some inkling of what a brilliant, fannish, sardonically funny, loved person she was:

Mom analyzes the PoA movie

Mom takes on RPS (when I say I was "visiting" her, I mean in the hospital the day after surgery -- can you believe she was already joking?)

The day of her surgery (used to be friends-locked. more about me than her, I guess.)

Frightening times ahead. I may be somewhat absent, but I don't plan to leave... I'm going to need some things to stay the same so that I don't completely lose my mind.

bowdlerized: I'm going to try to do your beta as I said I would, as a means of distracting myself. But if I feel like I can't or I'm not doing a good job, I'll email you saying so tonight so that you can still make the deadline.

Comments

[herlifeisbroken.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you* I'm so sorry. I really don't have words that are adequate, but I know what it's like to lose a parent so early in life. You will be in my thoughts. If you need anything, just ask. We will all be there for you.

[neotoma.livejournal.com]

oh, crap, Pauraque. I'm so sorry about your mom. I can only pray that you and your brother make it through what is going to be a hard time all right.

[cluegirl.livejournal.com]

No words for that. I'm so sorry for you. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now, and even that's almost too much.

I wish you strength, and all the resiliency you'll need in the coming months.

[cruisedirector]

*hugs* I don't know you or her well enough to say anything meaningful, not that there is really anything anyone can say that will make a dent. It sounds like she was wonderful and you were very lucky, and you knew it, and for that I am glad for you despite what you must be feeling now.

[ze-dragon.livejournal.com]

I know you don't know me, but I recently started following your journal...

I just wanted to offer my deepest sympathy and hugs.

[idlerat.livejournal.com]

Hey Sweetie--

big hugs. My mom suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack 5 years ago. It was... I mean, I know. I'm so sorry. big, big hugs.

love
j

[shocolate.livejournal.com]

I am crap at grown up stuff - {{{hugs}}}

Here - it is my brave icon.

[cedarlibrarian.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I am so sorry about your mom. I'm always horrible at finding words for situations like these, but do know that you're in my thoughts.

[archanglrobriel.livejournal.com]

My god hon, I am so incredibly sorry. If you need anything please do call...

[misslucyjane]

{{{{Joey}}}}

I lost my dad about seven years ago--not as suddenly, but much sooner than any of us expected. If you want to talk I'm here.

[bardsmaid.livejournal.com]

Oh, Eo, I am so, so sorry. I just booted up and decided to check my flist and found... this. I know from experience that nothing rings as hollow at a time like this as 'if there's anything I can do...' because there is nothing anyone can do (especially toward the one thing your spirit is absolutely aching for, which is to have her back.) But the offer remains, anyway; the worst part of grief is often the feeling of being so terribly alone, and in spirit we're there with you, a staunch and ready circle around your heart.

Don't forget to focus on the good things you and your mom shared; one of the greatest helps I've had in a situation like this came from a cousin who called me less than an hour after my dad had died. Her first words were, "What an amazing life!" and they really made my mindset do an about-face to focus on the wonderful things, small and large, that my dad had done over so many years rather than dwelling on the single minute that took him from us.

Thanks, too, for the posts where you've told us about your mom, or shared her thoughts, helping bring her alive for those of us on Lj.

[serriadh.livejournal.com]

Just to say I'd have loved to have met your mother, she sounds like such a wonderful person. *hugs* You and your family will be in my prayers.

[norah.livejournal.com]

Love and strength to you. If there's anything I can do, let me know.

[dragonelle-fics.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. For what it's worth, your posts illustrate a wonderful, fun woman-- one who was loved strongly and with darn good reason. Deepest sympathy to you and your family. *sends strength and hugs*

[asphodeline.livejournal.com]

sitting here with tears in my eyes.Can only say you and your brother are in my heart and I'm hugging you both there
Serena X

[kaysha.livejournal.com]

Oh oh.. We hardly know each other yet, so this was all news to me.. I'm really sorry for you, and I wish you and your brother much strength, especially the next couple of days! *hugs*

[writerpuppy.livejournal.com]

I wish I could think of something to say other than "very sorry for your loss," 'cause I know that just doesn't cover it. It's all I have, though.

*hugs*

[maeglinyedi.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family. *hugs*

[gaeta.livejournal.com]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

My own mother lost her mother to cancer when she was 21 and my grandmother was 57. Still, I can not even imagine what that would be for anyone.

Know that many, many wishes for comfort come your way now and will continue for as long as you need them.

[wolfie-thu.livejournal.com]

May things work out okay in the end.
*tries to send good synaesthetic thoughts*

[rikibeth.livejournal.com]

I am so very sorry for your loss, pauraque.

I'm posting this before I read the comment thread... so if I am not the first to ask about whether there's a charity you'd like people to contribute to in her memory, I will see it, and you need not reply. But if nobody's asked, I'm asking now.

[meridym.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry to hear about this, Eo! (((Eo)))

[ellensmithee.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm sorry about your loss.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

Oh.

thinks very, very, very hard of you in this horrible time. I'm so sorry.

[sedesdraconis.livejournal.com]

So, so sorry. I wish I could make your world less terrible. Let me know if there's anything I can do.