Okay, here's the thing.

[pauraque_bk]

petulantgod, whom I don't really know, deleted his LJ. This has led some people to voice their opinion that he was "really a girl", and used a male persona as a sockpuppet to get attention. I'm not trying to single anyone out; several people have said it. I have no clue if it's true or not, and really, this post doesn't have anything to do with petulantgod. It's the suspicion over gender, which has come up before with others, and the tone that has been taken in discussing it, that's getting under my skin.

I'll get right to the point: There are transgendered people in fandom. More than you know. No, I'm not about to out anybody; it's not up to me to decide when or how or whether another person's gender identity is up for public discussion. But, as a general statement, just as there are queer people of all other types in fandom, there are also transgendered people here. And I guess I'm surprised at how little awareness there appears to be of this fact.

I'm sure there are people in the world who intentionally take on the persona of another gender just to screw with people or get some undeserved attention. But when that's the first conclusion that's jumped to, it bothers me. Yeah, I'm biased, but when someone is being evasive about their RL gender, or something they've said doesn't seem to add up gender-wise, I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they're not maliciously deceiving me, but are genuinely struggling with their own identity -- or with fears about what people in fandom will think if they're open about what's really going on.

I was born female, and now I'm male. Don't feel like you're out of the loop if you didn't know this; most people don't (or didn't). Believe me, it's very appealing to stay closeted online, where there's little to no chance of being "read", and you can finally just talk to people without wondering if they're privately judging you, criticizing you, questioning your very legitimacy as a human being. I hope the general perception won't be that I've been deceptive, because on the contrary, I've felt more free to be myself online than anywhere else.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't think this was the day I was going to be coming out to my online friends. Er, surprise? I guess this was just the final straw that made me realize I'm tired of censoring myself. I hate the harsh judgments that I've been subjected to IRL, but it's gradually happened that I've come to hate my implied acceptance of those judgments more. I feel like I've been saying yes, you're right, I should be ashamed, I am a joke. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't want to be afraid of what people might say; let them say it, and I'll deal with it when they do.

Also, since we're here: Calling someone by a pronoun other than the one they clearly want used for them is not acceptable. In fact, it's deeply disrespectful, presumptuous, and rude. Don't do it, unless you want to look like a fool.


Now back to your regularly scheduled posts of geekery and fandom ramblings.

Comments

[reddwarfer.livejournal.com]

It is a post like this that makes me want to give people cards that say the words "Bugger off" on them. I really can't stand when people go out of their way to make people uncomfortable with who they are. It's a shame because no one can understand another's life or struggles, or choices, but people feel free to pass judgement wholesale. Well, kudos for being honest. More kudos for not feeling ashamed of who you are. And a huge Bugger Off to people that try to do that to you, or others, in the first place.

[exbentley]

I'm sure there are people in the world who intentionally take on the persona of another gender just to screw with people or get some undeserved attention. But when that's the first conclusion that's jumped to, it bothers me.

I could understand the petulantgod lean of thought, not because I know anything about Seph but purely because deception has happened a couple of times in that particular group of friends. In fact, in the past year I've seen all sorts of weird deceptiony things come to the forefront - more than I have in the rest of my time on the internet.

As for the point of your post... I don't know much about transgender issues and the like, but I think I can honestly say that your revelation doesn't garner much more than a shrug from me. It doesn't change my current opinion of your wonderfulness.

Nevertheless I think common politness and an element of political correctness is my default, and I'm sorry that there've been others in your life who haven't been the same way.

*HUGS*

[pauraque]

Yeah, I do realize that sockpuppetry exists, and that people do cruelly and knowingly deceive others online. Heck, it's not even always a specific outright lie; I've known people whose descriptions of their RL were basically "true", but were deeply skewed to make the writer look good. I happen to think this is equally cruel, not only to the RL people who are being maligned where they can't defend themselves, but also to one's so-called online "friends", whose trust is being manipulated. I am not in favor of any of this.

I think what's bothering me is that I have begun to feel that not only do most people not consider that someone may be transgendered, but even if they did consider it and it turned out to be true, they would still think they had been deceived.

[florahart]

Hi.

You may have the most complicated sexuality of anyone I know. I imagine that's led to a number of conversations you didn't really much want to have.

I've only seen the one post in this particular case, and I opted not to stick my nose in because that way lay wank--because as you are no doubt aware, the same conversation has happened a number of times regarding at least one other person, and it's gone all stupid every time.

And yes, it is disrespectful to choose the wrong pronoun on purpose--in many ways. It's rude to the individual, it's rude to whatever gender you're declaring them because it almost always carries an implication of "not as good," and it's rude to the gender they claim because it carries the implication that that gender is not big enough to encompass this person too. Or something like that--hello, 2am.

Anyway. I'm sorry the posts you saw made you feel unhappy. You get the bandaids icon.

[pauraque]

You may have the most complicated sexuality of anyone I know.

Really? I think I know people who have it more complicated than me. :D

I imagine that's led to a number of conversations you didn't really much want to have.

Your imagination does not deceive you!

it's rude to whatever gender you're declaring them because it almost always carries an implication of "not as good," and it's rude to the gender they claim because it carries the implication that that gender is not big enough to encompass this person too

This is true, and I'm glad you articulated it. Especially in the typical case in fandom where someone male is being "accused" of being "actually a girl", it's hard to avoid the impression that there is some kind of misogyny at work. If this person, heaven forbid, had been born female or had female anatomy or (even) was just plain female but for some reason had not made it clear -- the implication seems to be "You've been wrongly claiming male privilege, how dare you? Get back in your place." And that's not right, especially when it's one woman saying it to another IMO. I'm not saying everyone who questions someone's gender is doing this, but I have seen it at times.

In the gaming world, there's the opposite thing, where people who say they are female are often accused of "really" being a guy, and just trying to get attention, because most gamers are male. And I think there's misogyny there again, because as you suggest, they are saying that the female gender is not big enough to encompass girls who are gamers, which is outrageous.

[pitchblackrose.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks for telling us, Eo :)

I didn't know Seph either, but I think people were generally voicing doubts about his whole identity, but not only his gender. But of course you're right, one should assume good faith as a rule.

[pauraque]

Yeah, unfortunately I'm not familiar enough with the Seph situation to have an informed opinion about all the doubts in his specific case. It just really grabbed my attention because it's not the first time there have been accusations made of people "pretending" things about their gender, and it's obviously a big deal to some people.

[melpemone.livejournal.com]

First, a small rant: I cannot, for the life of me, understand why anyone cares. I have, and have had, on my friends list transgendered people, gender-queer people, and people who have chosen for whatever reason not to reveal their gender or sex, and I can't understand why anyone would even consider it an issue. Sure, gendered pronouns are awfully handy, but I believe I'm a better person for knowing about these issues, having met these people with experiences so out of my ken. So no, I don't get why anyone makes an issue out of it - you're a he/she/zie/they, and that's the end of it.

Mm. Slightly longer rant than anticipated. :)

parauque, you're still the nicest guy on my f-list. I'm glad you feel you can trust us with this. ::hug::

[pauraque]

I think I know why people care, but the reasons are generally sexist and limiting and just generally not-good. We all need to critique ourselves carefully when we find ourselves thinking we know what's best for another human being.

[vulgarweed.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on your coming-out! I second what melpomene said...I don't understand why it ought to be such a huge issue on the Internet what gender someone is: isn't that one of the best things about the internet, that we can interact with people based only on the strength of our thoughts and our words and no one is prejudged by demographics?

I understand being upset by feeling deceived by someone, but on the other hand, isn't the internet a place where we can try on different roles? Mightn't expressing oneself online in a persona different from one's biological sex be a legitimate stage for a transgendered or trans-questioning or trans-curious person coming to terms with it?

Anyway. I have trans friends in RL as well as online and I'm learning so much about my own preconceptions about gender. I still have a lot to learn. It's fascinating, and you're awesome and brave. You didn't need to do this for us, it's none of our business if you don't want to tell us, but it's cool that you did. :)

[vulgarweed.livejournal.com]

oops. melpemone.

[spican.livejournal.com]

*hug*

Eo, thank you for choosing to tell something so personal and important to you. I feel privileged to learn (and to know you, always).

[iibnf.livejournal.com]

I don't know why people get so bent out of shape over this - all cats are grey in the dark, and all people are just typed words on the internet.

I've seen people get absolutely psychotic when they find out that someone claiming to be male is actually female, when it makes absolutely no difference! Online, how can you tell? The fact that people can be obscure about it, or fake it, or whatever, makes it obvious that you just can't tell and it just isn't important.

Do we type with our genitals? I should slam my giant wanger on the keyboard and see if that improves my writing... hmm...

[pauraque]

Bernice, you are so great. :D

[lycoris.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* Thanks for sharing something so personal. If anyone does get on your case about it, let me know and I'll get on THEIR case. And I don't think you've been REMOTELY deceptive. You are the person you are. It's the beauty of on-line - you can be the person that you always have been but feel needs closeting in the real world.

As far as I'm concerned, the best thing about fandom is that there is space for everyone - whether they be black, white, yellow, green, gay, straight, transgendered, asexual, pansexual, people with issues and people who are "normal." It's probably naive of me to think that but I always hope that it's true.

*hugs you* And yes - once someone has picked a pronoun for themselves, it's polite to use that pronoun. Anything else is an insult.

[pauraque]

Unfortunately, I think something that sometimes happens is that in spaces where a lot of "left-out" people gather (and fandom is one), they can sometimes unite against people who are perceived as more "left-out" than they are. This is not a good thing for anyone involved, but it happens.

I don't think it's naive to hope for things to get better, though. :)

[inlandsis.livejournal.com]

Maybe I'm too much of a stranger to say anything on such a delicate topic, but...

Just a little word to tell you that I'm very admirative of your courage. I have a cousin that was once a girl. It boggles my mind just to try to imagine the amount of determination it must have took him to become his true self.

Those who insist on refering to a transgendered person by the "former" pronoun are such stupid asses, because who's more man than someone who faced prejudice, changed his body, his name and his whole life to become one? No one can beat that.


Okay, sorry if it was just for close friends or anything.

[pauraque]

I used to only bring it up with close friends, but I decided to make it public because it felt like it was time, and I was ready.

Thanks for sharing your experience; your cousin's lucky to have such an understanding relative!

[rikibeth.livejournal.com]

1) You shouldn't be ashamed,

2) You're not a joke,

3) That was brave as hell and I admire you for it.

[pauraque]

Thank you. I need to hear that sometimes, especially #2.

[vikingcarrot.livejournal.com]

On the subject of pronouns, since I can't really comment on the rest beyond nodding my agreement... what if they don't give you a pronoun to use? I can think of a few LJers who've never actually specified their gender, and have never told anyone whether they should be called a he, she or even it.

On the other hand, I feel like a fool when I have to ask somebody their gender because I haven't been able to find somewhere it's made clear. For some reason, it's very awkward - you feel like you're going to be in the shit for asking and not being able to tell. Which I suppose is an ingrained mental reaction from normal face-to-face interaction, where when you look at a person and can't tell, you feel extremely bad to have to ask (this has happened to me on a couple of occasions, and thank god they've always ended up male, since I strongly suspect a female would take it rather worse).


Also, I didn't know you were transgendered (and of course, why would I?). It's brave of you to come out with it; it seems an even more touchy issue than homosexuality, as far as society is concerned.

But it shows how much easier it is for people to interact and befriend one another online, where you can't bring in the prejudices based on what you see. I can definitely relate to your sentiments about being free to be yourself online. I think the best friends I've ever had have been people I've found through the internet, some of which I've met, others not. It's easier to find a niche to settle into... find people who will accept you without giving you one look at dismissing you as whatever judgement they have for you.

*snoogins!*

[woolf.livejournal.com]

Randomly, re: pronouns. There's a growing trend (at least in my little corner of the 'net) towards using gender-neutral pronouns. They're actually quite handy, even if you have to explain them to everyone else the first couple of times through.

[muridae-x.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you felt able to come out and say it, and hope that not feeling like you have to self-censor will be a release of sorts. I've never experienced that kind of need myself at first hand, but in my own fairly gay-friendly circle of friends I have one friend who didn't come out to the people in it for over a decade, so I do understand how sometimes even when it seems like it should be easy, it's not that simple.

You are you, and I like that person. I can't see that any other factors really need to come into it.

{{{{{Eo}}}}}

[melusina]

Thank you for sharing this.

[k2daisy.livejournal.com]

*hugs Eo tight*

Thank you for sharing something so personal. You're a good egg.

[saddle_tramp]

I think it took a lot of guts for you to post this, and just... Word. And amen, and all of those "I agree completely" type sentiments! *cheers you on*

I'm not physically transgendered and don't ask that people refer to me as male, but I've passed as male before without any effort on my part, both online and on the telephone. Sometimes it's just easier not to correct people. I've never understood the way most women think anyway.

I don't friend people because of their gender or sexuality. I don't care if Seph or anyone else on my flist is physically a he or a she or even a camel. I liked what I saw in Seph's LJ, and I'm sorry I won't get to read his posts anymore.

[pauraque]

I'm not physically transgendered and don't ask that people refer to me as male, but I've passed as male before without any effort on my part, both online and on the telephone. Sometimes it's just easier not to correct people. I've never understood the way most women think anyway.

I think you raise a really important point, which is that there are kinds of gender queerness aside from the classic and obvious "start in box A, go to box B, stay there". Some folks ignore or reject the boxes altogether, and frankly I have a lot of respect for that, since I think it's a lot harder than what I did, and certainly much harder to explain to others. Basically, I just believe people should be who they are, without having identities foisted upon them by others.

[woolf.livejournal.com]

:D

Proud of you.

[pauraque]

♥

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

The icon says it all. You've always been a guy to me and you'll always be a guy to me. Never was an issue.

My heart's in my throat for you on this issue, but your mood picture makes me relax. It'll all be good. Birdgirl!

[pauraque]

Birdgirl! *fanfare*

FWIW, I really appreciate that it has not been an issue for you; in fact, you've been extraordinarily accepting about it, which is a challenge for a lot of people but actually seemed to come rather easily to you (I don't know how easy it felt from your end). You rock the accepting-others party right.

[immora.livejournal.com]

Just want to throw a high-five your way, dude, because it says a lot about this society that people often react worse to someone coming out trans than coming out gay. I'm sure I have a ways to go with understanding trans perspectives, but it's so Not On to refuse to recognize someone's gender.

Like you said, I sure didn't know what you were born as-- but it's not who you are, so it doesn't make me think "omg pauraque is really a girl!" because you aren't, still the guy whose LJ I've been following for a bit now. I don't think you've been deceptive. It's your choice when to disclose this, and about all it changes is showing us you're even braver than we already knew.

Way to go! :)

[pauraque]

it doesn't make me think "omg pauraque is really a girl!"

I'm really glad that you don't think that, though I expect some people will (and probably won't tell me to my face). That's their issue, though, and they need to deal with it, and I need to not take their problems personally. :)

[fluffyllama.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you've done this. Since I realised just how many there *are* in fandom I've tried to stop passing judgement on people for these sockpuppets, though I understand why it's difficult if it's due to lack of RL experience. It needed someone to stand up and be counted, and you have more than enough love and respect from everyone to make a difference.

*loves and hugs*

[cschick.livejournal.com]

I am confused. Of course, all of the various track-down-the-gender-of-so-and-so I've seen during my time in fandom leave me confused ;)

I don't really care what gender anyone is. Sure, in fandom, we tend to be majority female. Many other places I hang out online are majority "male." Some of them are majority "male" for the simple reason that geek females (especially those who came online between 1985 and 1998) long ago learned to mask themselves and take a male persona. The fact that online fandom has been and has continued to be majority "female" during my time in it (1995 through today) is the exception. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that some people I've known long-term in fandom were the other gender than what I presumed them to be.

I have several RL geek friends whose kids (in the 8-12 age range) are starting to come online independently. The first thing those friends are training their kids in is creating and maintaining an online persona. An online persona that is as little linked to their real-life activities and details as possible. The fact that many people online are nothing more than a created/maintained persona is not bad, or evil--it's part of online safty. It's a fact of life. Sure, my online persona is pretty weak at this point but it's still, at times, a persona. This is a fact of interacting online. We may not be who we say we are, who we present ourselves to be, and who others expect us to be. And that's fine.

I think that I'm wandering a bit now, so *hugs*. You're still who you were to me, because that's who you want to be.

[tayefeth.livejournal.com]

creating and maintaining an online persona.

Yeah, that. Maybe it's because I started hanging out online in roleplaying communities, where the choice of gender was explicit and the correlation with RL gender was obviously unenforceable, but I really don't understand the fuss. Come to think of it, some people in those roleplaying communities made a fuss if a male character had a female player or vice versa, but that usually came up when their characters became sexually involved with the 'deceitful' characters. It always seemed like a failure to separate RL from online.

Anyhow... Bravo on coming out, pauraque. May those who give you shit fall into steaming piles of it.

[hilarita.livejournal.com]

You're a very brave guy. I try to avoid using gendered pronouns unless I'm writing about people whose gender I already know (though I do fuck up sometimes). And I can see that the internet is a fantastic space to experiment with those areas of your personality that are 'closeted' in RL. Hell, that's why I write slash/fem(me)slash/het/whatever porn. Just catch me being romanced by a squid in RL and you can lock me up! The only thing I worry about is if this playing with aspects of your personality is done to harm others (e.g. paedophiles trying to lure kids into sex via teen chatrooms). But otherwise, we're looking at legitimate aspects of self-expression.

[mizbean.livejournal.com]

I don't know the person in question at all, but I really hate this tendency in fandom to tear people apart, especially over something like gender since we are all somewhat anonymous anyway.

Good for you for coming out about who you are. It wasn't necessary for me who will still enjoy your post regardless, but it's a brave gesture nonetheless. I hope people realize now that not everyone in lj fits into nice, identifiable slot. We are quite a diverse group.

[millefiori.livejournal.com]

FWIW, you always have, and still do, 'feel' male to me. *offers hugs*

[amythis.livejournal.com]

I'm still working through my own prejudices towards trans people, but fwiw I've always seen you as a good, witty writer who happens to be a gay man, and I see no reason to change that view.

[pauraque]

Thank you. And thanks for acknowledging your prejudices; we all have them about one thing or another, and you can't overcome them unless you see that they're there.